It's Been Months and I'm a Shitty Human Being, But What Else Is New?

Yeah, months. I don't even know the last time I was on this website. Um, well, I'm still in college. Actually, I have finals starting Thursday thought next week, so yay for that. I actually think I;m going to do okay on everything except math. I've failed my math class, so I'm not really even going to study for the final, since I have four others to be worrying about. It just seems like a waste of time at this point. But, other than math, I'm actually doing really well in all my classes. I just got my term paper back for English and I got an A- on it. YAY! I'm pretty sure that keeps me high enough so that I got an A in that class. Super excited about that. Also, next semester I'm taking an Acting 3: Intro to Shakespeare class which I am super excited about for two reasons. One, I love Shakespeare, adore him. Two, Dave Hartwig (my English teacher) is co-teaching it and I am so excited to be in another class of his.

In other news, I think I've gotten a boyfriend? Well, I met this guy online. His name's Kyle and he goes to school in Boston. I just, I don't know, he's smart and attractive and witty and so sexy and he just seems generally perfect and he seems to really like me, which I think is crazy but he insists that he actually like me, so I don't know what to say. I think that I'm going up to Boston in the spring to see him sometime. That thought of it freaks me out but also makes me really excited. I actually mentioned him to me mom yesterday. Just, "Oh yeah, my friend in Boston and I were talking about that the other day. Yeah, I know a guy in Boston. Yeah, he's cool." So a lot less terrifying than I thought it was going to be. Of course, when I have the discussion with her about how I'm going to Boston to spend a week with this guy, she may be a lot less chill about it.

But, my communications class starts in ten minuets, so I have to dash.

Week..Six? I think?

Yeah, I think I'm six weeks into college by this point. i'm not positive, it's all become one big blur. I totally fucking failed my first lath test. I got a 59. Fucking 59. Like damn teacher man, you couldn't give me one more bullshit point so that I could scrape by?! You sir, are a huge dick, thanks.

So there's that. Also, I feel like all the teaches get together and decide to put all their tests in the same three days. I had two tests last Thursday, one Friday and I'm going to have one tomorrow. I fucking give up at this point, I don't care if I pass, I just want to get them over with.

On top of which, I'm still working fucking five days a week. Like damn Penney, I'm a fucking college kid, cut me some slack. It's because I'm one of the few people in that godforsaken place to actually get shit done though. Seriously, so many of the other people, especially in kids it seems, just stand around and I'm like, "Bitch, I know there is shit to be done, how about you go do some of it for a change, thanks."

I don't know, I;m full of coffee and I'm rambling. Plus, I like the sound of keys clacking. I always have. So I'm mainly sitting here clacking keys for my own pleasure. I think I'm officially failing my math class now. I've gotten 11/20 on all three quizzes and 59/100 on the first test, so that's, what, a fifty percent? Damn I need to get my shit together. But I have an opportunity to get extra points on my next test, so I might actually try to give a damn about this class if it means I can keep myself from failing. It may be a lost cause by now, though. I'll keep you posted.

So, yeah...

Well, good news: I got out of math a half hour early today, so happy fucking Friday!
Bad news: I got out early because we could leave as soon as we finished our quiz and I'm eighty percent sure I fucking failed the quiz. It's partly my fault because I'm a fucking idiot and no good at math, but it's also partly my teachers fault. He doesn't teach! He just solves problem without explaining anything!

So, happy Friday everyone. I hope your day's going better than mine has been so far. Ok, the rest of it shouldn't be too bad. I'm finishing up a bit of English, since my class is in an hour, but it's just posting on a few forums so that's cool. I actually just finished it, so now I have an hour to kill until English, then I work tonight so yeah, it could be worse. And there's no fucking way I'm gonna start my math homework. I'm not doing any homework today. I planned out my whole weekend. I work Saturday so I'm gonna get up early, clean my room, and do all my homework before work and finish it after work if I need to. And I have Sunday off so I'll finish up any last pieces of work and just relax for a change so yeah.

That's basically all from me, so Allons-y!

I apologize most sincerely.

I know I haven't posted in over a month or two. I have no excuse except I am a really shitty person. I do really hope to get back to posting regularly.

At this moment, I am on the OSU Lima campus. Yes, I have begun my first day of college. My class isn't until 9 though, but my sister and I carpool a few days, so I showed up an hour early. Shout out to the librarian who let me into the library ten minutes early because I was just awkwardly standing outside. You're very rad, ma'am.

So yeah, I have three classes today and I'll be out of here by 1:30 at the latest. I'm really excited, but I also feel like I could throw up at any minute. I'm really hoping that I see some of the people that I got to know at the meet and great yesterday. You know who I did see yesterday? Andrew's wife. Andrew from my work, he's married, so she and I sat together for a while. She's such a sweet person, he's a lucky guy. Well. I guess they're both pretty lucky.

So, I guess I'll be sitting here for another fifteen minutes or so, then I'll head and try to find my class. Hopefully I can find them all okay. they're all in the same building, so I should be fine.

Well, it's all over now.

My celebratory period of my graduation is over. My party was yesterday so now it's just thank you cards, orientation, and then college.

I am so happy with how my party went. Honestly, I got about $800. I'm hoping to be able to buy a really nice Dell laptop for school, so that's where that money is going. I had a lot more people than I thought I would. A good number of people from my mother's church and a ton of my dad's family. It was lovely. I did get stressed because I was having to constantly go around and say hi and shake hands and smile and talk to people. By the end of the night, I just sat in my car sobbing. I don't know why, I was sad and happy and stressed and scared and depressed.  Thankfully, though, I had friends from work who came, so mostly I hung with them. See, even if people are really nice and friendly, I can't help but think that they're staring at me and judging me, so it was so relieving to be able to sit with friends from work. I have never had a group of people I feel so comfortable and safe around and it feels incredible to know that I can say almost anything and these people won't judge me. I really appreciate my work friends. So it was Me, Jenna, Katie, Rachel, Andrew, Cori, and Shelia most of the afternoon. Rachel's leaving for Columbus on Thursday though, so I'll have to get her goodbye card and also her thank you card to her before she leaves. I am really going to miss her, and I swear to god if Penneys hires more lazy, stupid high school kids, I am going to fucking scream. So yeah.

So, I got the nicest cotton yarn a few days ago, and then I found a pattern for a hand-knit washcloth made out of, yeah, worsted weight cotton yarn, so guess what I cast on this morning? Very excited, the picture is gorgeous and the pattern is so easy I could probably do it in my sleep.

I think that's about it. So, I'm off to write thank you cards and look at new laptops. Cheerio!

On To bigger and Better Things.

In the time since I've last written, I have...graduated. Yeah, that's about all. Honestly, everyone makes graduation out to be a huge deal, but I don't see it. Like, whoopie you have completed the easiest part of your life, go get 'em.

I do apologize for not writing for so long. Ever since mom discovered my blog, I've kind of drifted away. I guess I don't feel safe anymore. This was my haven, my place where I could say absolutely anything, and now that fragile shell has be broken and I never know if she's reading this or not and that scares the hell out of me. Well, that, and I've proven time and time again that I am really good at starting things and really shitty at finishing them.

But, I digress. So, work. See, I don't get Penney's. We have people who are literally working nine hours a week because of 'payroll cuts' and shit, and they just hired six new people! Like, give hours to the people who are good workers and who need them, first, please and thank you. But, my hours have been ok. We've gotten like two new people in as many weeks. What sucks is some of my favorite people are leaving me. Rachel's heading down to Columbus for school, Ashley's going to Miami University in the fall, and Danielle just kind of stopped showing up. No one really knows what's going on, so asking around has been totally useless. But, I've had the last two days off, so when I go in this evening, there should be a whole slew of news/gossip for me to hear. I'm really a terrible gossip,it's horrible.

And knitting, yes. Did I ever talk about the placemats? I don't know. Well, back when I first started to knit, I decided to make my mom placemats for her Christmas present. I'm almost done with the last one. See, I really underestimated how long it would take me to make six of these, so I only had three done by Christmas, with the promise that the rest of them would be done by February at the latest. But, to someone who wants to keep learning new stitches and new techniques and stuff, they were so boring. So I worked on baby socks and hair bows and a lot of other things while occasionally doing the placemats. But I have one more section on my last one, then I'm finally done. I can't wait to never ever ever ever ever have to make those again. Easy, but very boring. My next project is a sweater for me. I'm super excited. It's a ballet sweater, one of those that ties right under your boobs. Here's the thing though: the yarn they wanted me to use, I looked around online for and hour and couldn't find it and when I did, it was like $38 a ball and I needed like four, so no thanks. So I went internet hunting and found some much cheaper, much prettier, yarn. It's going to be black, charcoal gray, and a really deep primrose. I'm super excited. I have the rest of the yarn and a ball winder that should hopefully be arriving from Amazon today, so I'm going to finish that placemat in the next day or two (knock on wood) then it's onto the sweater! I am really so excited about this. I will wear it everyday.

Well, the Alternative Press Music Awards are a month away and I haven't even asked anyone to go with me. I literally don't even care if I find someone or not, I am going to this and not even mom will stop me. She told me that if I go 'against her wishes' and go by myself that there will be consequences, but what she doesn't consider is that I understand that perfectly, but I think the risk is totally worth it. Plus, AP has special commemorative issue magazines, four of them, Andy Biersack, Oli Skyes, Patrick Stump, and Brendon Urie, so yeah, I'm gonna buy those and hopefully a signed Brendon Urie poster.

My grad party is soon. The 29th, I think. How much planning and preparing do you think I've done. Yup, none. Well, that's not entirely true. I've started looking though pictures on my computer to figure out which ones I want. I did not realize how many selfies I took. A fuckton, man! Anyway, we're slowly getting that going.

Dad is still going to Texas. he leaves Sunday. He wants us all to fly out to see him sometime in August. It is hell on earth, let me tell you. First of all, this company has changed his departure date like twenty times, so I don't want to ask for the dates off of work yet because they'll probably change. And mom is mad because she doesn't want to go. She's scared of flying and she think Alan will be a hassle. I mean, maybe she can grow the fuck up and just deal? I don't know. And the other night mom and dad sat us all down for a meeting in which they said that we'd have to help around the house and listen to mom while dad's gone. I have two problem with this. One: They kept going to about how we would have to really step it up with cooking, cleaning, and watching Alan. They made it seem like dad actually did some of that, which he in no way ever did. In my eighteen years of life, I never remember him once helping us clean the house. Then they tell us that we'll need to help out even more since he'll be gone. Yeah, go fuck yourselves. And two: mom has a damn martyr complex. She gave us a whole speech about how we can't walk all over her while he's gone and we'll have to respect her and on and on and on. Listen, I know it makes me seem like a terrible and ungrateful teenager, and maybe I am, but I respect my parents enough and probably more than they deserve. See, I don't care who you are, parent, teacher, boss, whatever. I will give you basic respect because that's what I've been raised to do. If you want anything more than that, fucking earn it. Mom told me once that it was my job to respect her weather she deserved it or not, because she was my mother. I don't agree with that. She's not immune to criticism and disrespect just because she gave birth to me. I should be allowed to speak my mind to her, but I rarely do because if you upset her, she gets so pissy and won't speak and everyone just get all hot and bothered.

But yeah, I think I'm done. Probably, no one read all the way to the end, but thanks if you did. I realize that no one reads this blog anyway, but it's nice to be able to scream into a chasm, even if that chasm is only cyberspace.

A Day of Lasts, and Maybe of Firsts.

So, today is my last day of high school. I actually finished last Friday, but I had to log on today for attendance and such. It feels bittersweet and weird. It's the last day of my high school career, but it's also the first day of never being called a high school student again. It's the last time I'll sit at this little computer and do school, but it's also the first time I can start being seen as something beyond my grade level.

Basically, I'm terrified. I want to grow up and go to college, but I'm stupid and ugly and what if I flunk out? What if I never make any friends? These are real fears. But, I'm ready. I don't actually graduate until Friday, so I'll have a few days to adjust to this whole 'no more high school' thing.

Ok, other news. Yeah, my graduation is Friday, yay! Uh, so I found this knitting pattern for baby socks and I've made three pairs. Well, almost. My friend at work is having a baby, so I was making a pair for her, then my sister asked if I could make her friend at work a pair because she was having a baby as well. And I'm making a pair for my friend in Arkansas because her son is turning one soon. I'm also going to make her some hair bow things, because they look cute and easy and I want to send her something for herself. So there's that.

I got myself a ticket for The Alternative Press first Annual Music Awards. My mom wants someone to go with me and I agree, I would love to go with a friend, but I don't really have any close friends who will go and tickets are gonna sell out soon and some of the most important bands in my life are gonna be there and I would rather bang my head against a wall for an hour than miss this show. So I may just go alone, but mom is angry and I can understand. I wanna go with a friend so I'm not that weird person at this awesome party alone, but I'd rather go alone than not go at all. I mean, Brendon Urie and Fall Out Boy and Andy Biersack and Asking Alexandria is going to be there and oh my god. So there's that, too

I think that's it. I'm going to wipe everything off my computer and take it back into the school in a bit, and I have to work this afternoon. And graduation this Friday, party next month, and I should probably apply for college soon.

I haven't done any school in, like, two weeks.

But that's fine. See, the homeschool program I do is kind of a last chance school for a lot of kids that go there, so the grading curve is insane. Ok, so they track your progress in percentages and you're supposed to do a certain percentage of your classwork every week, but anything over 80% is extra credit. Follow? So basically, if I get to eighty, I can do nothing the rest of the year and still pass with 90s in all my classes. So yeah, I haven't done any schoolwork hardly the last few days.

A deacon at my former church passed away this morning. He'd been a deacon since I was eight or so, like ten years. He'd been having health issues lately. so he stepped down. Then the doctors told him he had really advanced cancer and there was nothing they could do for him. But here's the thing that angers me. While he was alive my mom and her whole church was all like 'God will raise up his servant' 'The Great Physician can heal him' And now that he's dead, all I'm hearing is 'It was his time' 'God has called home his servant'. Like, you can't take life so passively. If he had lived, they would have called it god's plan, but he died so obviously that was god's plan. Like, they just accept whatever and it pisses me off that someone can be so passive about their life.

I knew him well, though.And his grandson is my sister's boyfriend, so we're pretty close to the family. I mean, anytime someone who's been a constant figure in your life, even if only on the peripheral, passes away, it's hard. I kept crying at work and I tried to hold it in and at one point Andrew asked me what was wrong and I was crying and trying to explain it to him and he was like 'Do you need a hug? You need a hug, c'mere' And it was really sweet. And Ashley just kept asking me all night if I was ok because I told her about it when I got there and I was bawling and she hugged me and was like 'Anything you need tonight, tell me. If you need to go sit down somewhere for a while, just go do it" And I just really appreciate the people I work with. But yeah, work was rough. I did get Saturday off to go to his funeral, though, so there's that.

I have this necklace that's a bird in a cage and I work it tonight, thinking nothing about it. Then Andrew asked me later if there was any meaning behind it. I just kind of hem-hawed my way out of it, but it got me thinking. Now this is going to sound depressing and melodramatic, but I'm depressed and melodramatic, so whatever. In a way, it's like I am the caged bird. Even though I live a different life than my family, I still have theie expectations, and people's view of me, and society's view of me, and my view of myself. and on top of that I have my fears and my insecurities and my anxieties and the fact that most of the time I want to slit my wrists and hang myself. And all that cages me in and I'm scared to actually live my life, because I'm too scared. I fear falling, so I never try to fly. Like I said, melodramatic and depressing, but maybe with a hint of truth?

But I'm tired and it's been a physically and emotionally exhausting day, so I'm going to bed.

Beyonce is Overrated and, Even Though She Tries, Her Music, With Particular Regards to 'Run The World', Send a Harmful Message - An Editorial by Me

First of all, I am not slamming Beyonce, her music, or her fans. This is simply my opinion of her as a celebrity personality and the affect her music is having on us.

Let's first look at Beyonce herself. I'm sure she's a perfectly nice woman, but as a celebrity I think she garners too much attention. I mean, really, she's not that special. She sings, as do 200+ other women. Other than that, she's nothing special. I cannot think of anything that sets her apart from the multitude of female vocal artists.

But, that's the secondary opinion. What I'd really like to talk about is her song "Run The World (Girls)" and its accompanying music video. When it first came out, I heard everyone talking about it and about how great it was, how much they liked the music video, how much it empowered females. I, by some miracle, got through the public's obsession with it never having hearing the song or seeing the video. I finally did watch the music video a few months ago, and didn't really have an opinion one way or another, save that it was overrated as I had previously assumed. I watched the video again not twenty minutes ago and this time, I did have an opinion. Those of you that know me know that I am a feminist. I believe that society should stop holding women to such obscene physical, intellectual, and emotional standards and that women should be treated as men's equals, not their inferiors or superiors. I'm a feminist because I believe that men and women should be equal, not because I believe that women are better than men and it angers me when I see a feminist purporting such ridiculous ideals. That being said, I cannot, in good conscious, condone the song or the music video "Run The World", for a few reasons. One is I believe it grossly oversexualises women and that's not something I'm ok with. We need to stop seeing women as sexual objects and start seeing them and people first and foremost. Beyonce dancing lewledy with a gaggle of women dressed in lingerie is not helping. Second, if you listen to the song, and I mean really listen, she's singing about how women run the world by using their sexual prowess to get what they want. Because, you know, that sends a message of female empowerment. I think that women should be able to use their intellect to achieve their goals, but society, aided by such songs as this, have reduced women to nothing more than a walking sex toy and some women now believe that using that society-assigned role to get what they want is good. You are not being independent when you do that, you are promoting society's view of you as a piece of sex with legs!

But, this is just my opinion and maybe someone views the song in a totally different way, and that's ok.

Cedar Point this weekend!

So yeah, a girl from my sister's church is a student at OSU so they can get cheaper tickets and OSU day is the day before the park opens to the public, so it's gonna be me, my sister, her friend from church Melody, Phillip, and Abby, and Abby's brother Kyle. Kyle's in the same situation as me in that he left the same religion and his family is still in it and it's rough on him sometimes. But I just adore him, he's so funny and so great to talk to. It should be a ton of fun, I love Cedar Point so much. Rollercoasters are like hell yeah. But hey, if anyone's gonna be there, let me know. Meetup!

And I've started planning my grad party. On my part, I need to get pictures and invites printed, I need to get a playlist together, and I need to get my display board together. Mom's heading the food and decoration committee. Should be a lot of fun. I need to figure out how to do the playlist. Like, burn a cd? Or take my laptop and just play it off that? If anyone has a suggestion, please let me know!

Anywho, I think that's it. I have Wednesday and Thursday off, so I'll probably try to start some graduation prep, then Cedar Point Friday! I forgot to ask for that day off, and it seemed like everyone either worked or had something going on, but thankfully Mazen offered to take it, so I totally owe him.

Minor News and Major News

Minor: So this morning, we were having internet issues *cue gasps of surprise*. So, my mom calls the company and during the phone call, she uses my computer to see if it's working. Once she was done with it, I checked to see what she had been doing and surprise, surprise, she was looking around on it and she found my blog. She's very possibly reading this now, hi mom! So, I may just delete this soon. I literally started this blog so I would have a place to talk and vent that no one in my family, especially you, mom, knew about. Well, ok. I was speaking to her about it and I said, "Maybe this is why I don't tell you anything, because you'll just snoop around and find out anyway." Because that's painfully true and it really needed to be said. Alright, so there's that.

Major: I did it, I dyed my hair. It's dark dark brown, almost black. Exactly what I was going for. Give me some time to get the pictures from my phone to my laptop and I'll try to throw some together and post something. Tonight probably, hopefully. I actually need to go to Meijer after work and get some shampoo for color-treated hair. I haven't washed it since I did it, which was last night at like 10:30. It still feels a bit tacky, but it'll be fine for tonight. Ok, so work here in a few hours, then shampoo, then pictures. Alright, later.

And one more thing. Avenge Sevenfold, I love them so much.

EDIT: This should have been posted a few days ago, but I just found it in my drafts, so it's a bit late getting out there. It should be before my last two posts.

Baby, Changes, and Outdoors

So, baby. My friend Vanessa from work is having a little boy, so after work tomorrow we're all going to Banditos to have a little party. I went to Babies-R-Us and got her registry. I swear, that store is so confusing and the isles are so small and shit it so hard to find. I was looking for stuff for probably the better part of an hour.

Changes. I did change the title and url of my blog. Maybe it'll protect my blog from mom's scrying eyes, maybe not. We'll see.

Outdoors. HOOOOOOOLY SHEET IT IS SO GORGEOUS OUT TODAY I'M AT THE PARK WITH MY YOUNGER BROTHER AND SISTER I MEAN I DON'T EVEN LIKE OUTSIDE AND IT IS SO AWESOME OUT TODAY. Also, I didn't have to work today, so I've been taking advantage of that.

One more thing. So Andrew told me about this thing at Gilbert's Music tonight. It's like a little local band thing, some sort of anti-prom he told me. I kind of want to go, but what if I hate it. I'll be all alone, which sucks. I mean, I could take Alana, but mom probably wouldn't let me. Maybe I'll go to the movies instead. But, there's nothing I really want to see right now. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 came out yesterday, but I don't know if I like that enough to go see it. Transcendance looks awesome, but the reviews kind of tanked. Same for The Quiet Ones. I just don't know. I really want to go to the music thing, but I'm scared. Why do I have to have social anxiety, it's sucks so hard.

I think that's mostly it, yeah. So, talk to you later, probably.

I might be back, I may be leaving again.

So, here's the skinny. Mom found my blog. I know, it doesn't sound like a big deal, but the only reason I had a blog was so that I could say things that I couldn't say to her or to my sisters. I needed a place where I could talk without being judged. Anyway, she found a post where I was whining about her and she got really angry. In retrospect, it wasn't a big deal, but I was angry at the time and I blogged about it and it was there and I got my feelings out without hurting her and I think that's an okay thing to do. So I got rid of the bog for a few days. I don't know if, even now, I want to keep it. I don't know if she's going to be reading it or not and if she is I can't say anything without putting everything through a filter, because the only reason I was able to speak so freely here was because people reading this may know what's happening to me, but they don't know ME. Does that make any sense? Plus, even if no one reads this, it was a great outlet, so I just don't know right now.

Other news. Uh. Um. Well. There's really nothing. It's been boring. I got a graduation dress, and earrings to match. It;s gorgeous and I can't wait to wear it. I'm ready to graduate but I don't think I'm ready to go to college. Like, do I really want to teach? What if I'm too stupid and I fail everything? What if I don't make any friends and I remain a weird friendless dork? Like, these are legitimate concerns, man.

Anyway, yeah. So, if I do keep posting, it might just be things that don't matter, in case mom is reading. I just really don't know right now.

I'm taking a big step in my life tonight.

Meaning I'm dyeing tonight. I've already went and got it trimmed and when I get home in a bit, it's going Black Brown. I was thinking about going full black, but this seemed like a safer option. To be totally honest, I'm nervous. What if it doesn't work? What if I hate it? How's it going to look when it starts to grow out? Oh god, am I making a mistake? No matter, I'm doing it. After all, you only regret the mistakes you make. How will I know if I don't like if I don't try? I'm excited. I'll try to post some pictures here in a bit. When I write next, I'll have a different hair color!

I fucking swear to god.

In the words of Outkast: Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright. And here's what I'm talking about: my damn internet. It sucks it really hard. So my mom got home from work this morning and instead of calling the service provider because of the issues we'd been having for a few weeks now, she went to sleep because she was, and I quote, "Too tired to put up with them for twenty minutes." Fine, well, that's all well and good but how the hell am I supposed to get schoolwork done if I have no internet? It literally makes zero sense. It's a HOMESCHOOL PROGRAM, so the fact that I'm constantly having to go elsewhere lately almost everyday just kind of pisses me off. I know it's a minor thing, but it feels like a big deal to me because she's been saying she's going to call for a few days now and she hasn't yet. My parents are one of the huge reasons I have trust issues. They never come through on anything they say and it makes me sure that everyone is going to fail me so I never trust anyone with anything big.

I kind of hate myself sometimes. All the times. I don't know. I was having an alright night at work and I have no idea what happened but I just started crying and I couldn't stop. I was actually in the corner like crying and I was trying to stop but I couldn't and I don't know why. It sucks, and that's why I hate myself.

More about senior pictures and graduating in general.

So, I finally got my senior pictures. I looked through them with my sister then I went upstairs and cried for fifteen minutes. I hate them. I'm so ugly and fat and my necklace is twisted backwards and my makeup is messed up. in most pictures. It awful and terrible and I hate it. And now I'm going to have to pick some because mom is insisting we print some up for my graduation party.

Speaking of graduating, I have a senior meeting tomorrow. I need to think of a song and motto and I need a baby picture and I need to have a short speech prepared. Guess how much of that I have done? Yeah, none. Eh, I'll do it after work tonight. Who needs sleep, right? Seriously, though, it will take me maybe an hour and that's if I dawdle, so I'll just do it tonight.

So yeah. Did I mention that I learned to fair isle knit? It's the knitting that has two or more colors used in one row and there's frequent color changes.

Like this. I'm nowhere near this skill level, but I've got the basics down, and I can only improve from there. It's interesting and I can't wait to try something. I think soon, I'm going to start a sweater or something big. I need to finish a few other projects though. I can start a ton but I suck at finishing them. Woe is me and my knitting projects.

Just a quick thought on Brendon Urie.

if you don't know, he's the lead singer of Panic! at the Disco, possibly my favorite band of all time. I think his birthday is in a day or two, or it's today. I can't remember. Maybe it was yesterday? Ugh, anyway. If you listen to Panic!'s albums, hopefully you appreciate Brendon for his incredible vocals. The best part?He sounds just as good live, which isn't something you can say for all artists. Like, Taylor Swift sounds much weaker in live shows, which is a huge letdown. But, yeah, I jest felt like that needed saying.

I got shot in the eye!

I did, though. Had to go the retina specialist again. They said I've improved even more, so that's good I suppose. He did tell me that he's not sure how much more improvement they'll see. I go back in five weeks and they said that if I'm doing alright then, then I'll probably not see them again for maybe two months. So I guess that's looking up.

Ok, this is hilarious. I have this class that's supposed to help us prepare for college and a career. Anyway, I have a lesson that was due last week. The name of it? Procrastination. That is comedy gold, people!

General Update. I don't know, I just felt like writing.

Ok, so the other day this guy that goes to my parents church updated his facebook and said something about how annoying and shallow and what a "Cliche-riddled pop song" Let It Go was and how much he hated it. You have to understand something, he's this guy that's smart and a perfect Christian and everyone at this church loves him so much, so everyone was like 'Yeah, Daniel, you're totally right, it's an awful song ugh.' Plus, he hadn't even seen actual movie, so who the hell is he to judge?! And, I don't know, I got really pissed. I wrote this really long thing about how you need to see the movie and understand the context and about Elsa becoming free and it's an important song because it teaches girls to love themselves. I have a lot of Frozen feels, ok. Anyway, then later some girl from the church was like 'Ok, I get what Ashley is saying, but the song supports rebellion." And I'm just sitting at my computer thinking, "No you cunt, it's liberation, not rebellion. There's a difference between being confident and loving yourself and being an asshole and expecting people to be ok with that." I was pissed. So, there's that.

Other news, uh well, let's see. I got senior pictures done: Here's one:

It was nice, the girl who did it was the same one who did my sister's. She so sweet, but I hated all of them. I hope there's at least one good one. I did though, I cried on the way home from the stress and everything. I don't know. I don't know much these days.

I watched Speed the other day. I love Keanu Reeves so much, I mean, come on, he's attractive and a good actor and his voice is like rough silk. That's how I describe it, don't hate. it was good. Sooooooo 90s, but I enjoyed it. I did laugh at the costumes though.

Anyway, I think that's it.

Senior Pictures

So, it looks like they're going to be tomorrow afternoon, like 5-6, somewhere in there. I hate this. I hate that I need these pictures. In all honesty, if my mom didn't have her heart so set on it, I wouldn't even bother. I hate cameras. I hate looking at them. I hate how I look in pictures. I hate how I look in real life. I hate how I look. I hate this. But I'm going to go and smile and do it and probably come home and cry. I don't know what it is, but whenever I have to get photos done, I just start crying, then I have to hold it in until I'm done with them. School pictures the last five years were hell, let me tell you. so I'm not really excited for this. Also, scars again, I know I mention it a lot, but they're a big part of my life, sad as that is. But I kind of have my outfit planned out, so I think I'm going with long sleeves. I should look ok. I just hate this so much.

Basketball, Texas, and Concerts

Yeah, I'm going to a basketball game Sunday. The Cleveland Cavaliers, I think? I'm not really that into sports but my dad's doing a little family outing thing. It should be fun though. As long as my mom doesn't ruin it. she always seems to get really bitchy whenever we do family things that aren't church related. It's like she gets personally offended by all the people who aren't Christians or something, so then she gets super pissy, which is just awesome, let me tell you. Other than that though, it should be fun. I think my dad's doing it to make up for the fact that he's gonna be gone? I don't know, but it seems like he's been trying to do more with us?

Speaking of Texas, the company is actually gonna have him on a project in Columbus for like six weeks or something, so he'll be gone during the week and back up here on the weekends. After that ends, I think he's supposed to have a week or two, then it's off to Texas. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't think it's going to be a big deal. We'll adjust like we do every other time, and we'll get used to it. I think my mom and Ariel are going to have the hardest time. I honestly don't really care either way.

Remember The Colourist? That band I love (Well, one of the many bands I love) Yeah, they're going to be in Columbus on their first headlining tour, and guess when it is?! Yeah, Sunday. So, I'm going to miss it and I'm super bummed. I wanted a chance to see/meet Kollin, since I didn't last time I saw them. Also, Night Terrors of 1924 are opening for them and I love them, so I'm missing that too. Oh well, I think they're going to have a great career, so maybe in the future. Panic! at the Disco is touring this summer though, so I'm totally planning on going to that.

I am so sick of my crappy internet.

Seriously, though, I haven't gotten any school done the last two days, so I'm at the library again. I need to finish my Psychology course by the end of the day because it's the last day of the quarter and whatnot. So I need to finish writing an essay, write another essay, take a test, so a course review, and take a course exam. And I need to be done by three. I'm telling you all this because I am lazy and a procrastinator.

Oh my god, I had the craziest thing to tell you. So this guy and I met online and we were taking (Yes, I know how it sounds, I've had the stranger danger talk, please) and it turns out we both live in Lima. So he asked if he could stop by my work to meet and and I thought 'ok, at my work, public place, why not?' so I was like yeah, sure stop in tomorrow evening. So he did and it turns out he goes to the of the sister churches of my mom's church and he knows my sister and we know a lot of the same people. I was like 'Holy shit I was really talking to a church boy about how much I don't believe in god wow ok'. I mean he was sweet and all, but he was a country bumpkin I guess. I mean, he asked me what analytical meant and I was like nope nope no I need out of this conversation. So nice and all, but I kinda hope I never see him again. It was definitely a new experience though and I'd probably do it again.

Speaking of work, I got called in early yesterday, so that was interesting. I was supposed to work at 5, but I got a call from one of the managers. The opener called off so they called everyone and moved their shifts up. I was at work from 1 to 9:30. It was so long, but nice for the check.

But I do really need to get school done, I just feel bad if I don't post every few days. But my Internet sucks, so what can you do, right?

Work makes me really tense.

Seriously, we were swamped today. I have social anxiety, so being around a lot of people can really stress me out and scare me at times. I was doing great today, even though it was the busiest we've been in weeks, I was totally okay. Then I got trapped behind the register for an hour. Usually I 'll do it for a while then pass it off because I can't handle it, but there was no one else. Andrew finally came up later and got on the other register. We close at 6, but we had people in line until 6:20, it was awful. I was shaking and my breathing was really erratic by the time everyone was gone. See, I think Andrew might have an idea what I go through. We've talked about anxiety and such before. I appreciate him so much, I feel like I can trust him, he knows more about my issues than anyone else there. So when we were done he was like, 'You ok? Doing good? Ok, you're awesome, remember that.' and I just really appreciate him and he has great taste in music and I get so upset when I remember that he's married dammit. But I still appreciate him for being an amazing and supportive person who's willing to deal with all the weird shit I tell him.

But there was a special sale for employee's and stuff today (I love working at Penneys) so I scored some work clothes and they're awesome.

You know what? I haven't knitted much lately. I've been really busy. I've been behind in my school work so I've been doing double trying to catch up, I worked five days last week, I've been trying to schedule senior pics, I'm trying to coordinate some stuff going on in the next few months. It's been busy. I did a bit last night but I was so tired I crashed.

This week should be better. I'm like two lessons away form being caught up with school, so cool. I really need to do my laundry tomorrow though, so I may do that during school. And I only work four days this week. I do work tomorrow night though, but then I have two days off, yay!

I wrote this at 8:50 last night, didn't have internet so I'm posting now.

So, I was supposed to see Divergent last night, but the friend who I was going with was too tired after her shift at Lowe's, so it got called off. That means that I sat in the parking lot after work for half an hour on a Thursday night for her to call and say she was too tired. So we rescheduled for tonight. You know, no big deal, whatever. Then, we plan for tonight and I have my ticket bought and paid for and I'm all excited. I had actually just done my hair and put a bit of hairspray in it when she texts me and says she can't go tonight because her mom needs her car. Straight up, I feel like she just doesn't want to hang out with me and I've been in my room crying for an hour. If she tries to schedule again I'm just going to tell her I'm busy. Honestly I'm really upset about it. I mean, if she doesn't want to go see it with me she should just tell me. I know it's just a dumb movie, but I don't have any other friends to go with because the few people whose number I have are either in other states or they wouldn't want to go with me. I'm just gonna go to bed early and be really rested for work tomorrow morning.

Yeah, I actually work tomorrow morning, I'm so excited. During the week, I only work nights because of high school and stuff, so I'd love to open and work mornings on the weekends but usually they're like 'lol nope you can close for five days straight what' At least I had today off, I had to close for four days straight before today. In short, I think hell with be a busy department store with only two registers.

I got a really cute skirt at TJMaxx today. It's really simple and long and black and it comes up just a bit in the front so you can see my feet. I love it and my mom just about pissed herself when she saw I bought a long skirt she was so excited.

Yeah, I think I'm just trying to distract myself from the fact that Jenna fucking canceled two nights in a row. I'm hurt and upset, but I'm just getting angry now. It's fucking bullshit, that bitch. I'm done. Maybe I will just go, I have the damn ticket, then I can tell her that I had already bought the ticket so I just went anyway. I'll go by myself, but I'll probably tell her that I went with some friends, because I'm a petty little dick. Yeah, fuck Jenna, I'm going to the goddamn movie. Ok, see you later.

Happy Spring!

I'm freezing my ass off. Seriously, it's freezing in my house. Ugh. Fucking first day of spring my ass.

I had a thought just a few minutes ago. Swimsuit season. Then I got really panicked. Ok, I have a few problems with swimsuit season. One, I'm ugly and way too fat for bikinis so I don't wear them and everyone one else on earth looks better in swimwear than I do and it makes me cry and hate myself. Two, scars. I have a bunch on my thighs and a lot on my arms, mainly wrists and upper arms. Are you seeing my problem? How am I supposed to hide them for four months while everyone else is in tank tops and booty shorts? Plus, again, fat and ugly, so the more of my I can hide under clothing, the better it is for me and everyone who has to look at me. Ugh. This is one of the top reasons why I hate summer. I feel insecure and I get depressed, so I want to cut, but I can cause it's short sleeve season, so I get more depressed. Fuck everything, I'll wear jackets all summer. That's not weird or anything.

I've been training the new girl at work. Another one. She's really sweet and she's catching on really quick. And I'm frumpy and ugly and she's cute and sweet and I hate everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who does any actual work in that department, because everyone else just stands around and talks. I mean, I do too sometimes, but I also get a lot of shit done and it's just I wish they would help and and actually work sometimes and just blegh. Oh well, that's life I suppose.

I've been reading American Gods By Neil Gaiman over the last week. It's a library book so I have to go renew it tomorrow because I really love it. Gaiman's a great writer. I read his book Stardust a couple of years ago. A bit fanciful for me, but well written in my opinion. so, I'm eager to finish this one and tell you how I like it.

I have an excuse.

I was gone for a few days because our internet wasn't working. I also had an eye appointment yesterday morning. I'm actually at the library now because our internet still isn't working. So I decided to blog instead of catching up on three days of work.

So, eye doctor. I'm apparently not going to be getting new contacts until the middle of summer. They said my eyesight had improved but they didn't want to give me anything new when my eyes could very possible change over the next few months. So, I'm back in glasses for the foreseeable future. Haha, get it? ForSEEable? As in see? Hahaha, ok. I'm ticked about it. I don't want to do my senior pictures in glasses. Fuck it all. I mean, I totally understand where they're coming from, but I'm still bummed about it.

INFERNO. IF YOU'VE NEVER READ DAN BROWN STOP READING THIS BLOG, GO READ HIS BOOKS, THEN COME BACK AND READ THIS BLOG. I really enjoyed it. Less religious than his other books, which worked well for him. There were a few twists, which is to be expected, and I loved the ending. A, well done, would read again.

Speaking of reading, I'm now starting Neil Gaiman's American Gods. I read and enjoyed his book Stardust, and I had heard only good things about this book, so I'm giving it a try. Not very far in, maybe thirty pages or so, but I'm enjoying it. I'll keep you posted.

Texas (Again) and New Music

So dad apparently accepted the offer so he'll be leaving for Texas by the end of the month. I think it'll be fine. Honestly, I'm not really bothered by it either way. It's weird but things like that very rarely actually bother me. Usually I'm indifferent one way or the other. I know everyone else in my family is like freaking out about it and I'm just like, 'I bought new yarn for my project.' Which is totally true by the way, I did buy some yarn yesterday. It's a cute wool/nylon blend. I'll post some pictures soon, once I've started. I'm gauging it currently, so that make take a few days.

I've been listening to Silverstein while doing school today. Andrew from work reccommended them. We got on the subject of Canadian musicians and he said that his favorite band hailed from there, Silverstein. I had heard of them but never actually listened to them. They're very good. I wasn't aware that they were Canadian. Oh, the things you learn when you talk to your favorite person at work.

I've been reading Dan Brown's new book, Inferno, the last few days. I'm such a fan of his. When I first starting reading books other than what I found in the young adults section, his Robert Langdon books were some of the first I read. I love looking for symbols in things ever since I was a kid, so I just fell in love with everything he wrote.

I'm hoping to finish school here real soon, then I need to clean my room, do some laundry, and then hopefully curl up in my chair and read and knit till I have to get ready for work.

My dad, My sister, and Texas

So, it's really looking like he might be doing the Texas thing. But apparently he and my older sister were talking about it and she got really mad and started crying and shit. Moment of honesty, do you want to know why I think she's so upset about it? Of course you do, you're reading my blog. I know Ariel well enough to know that she's really self-obsessed and she hates to be inconvenienced in any way. That's what it boils down to, she doesn't want anything to change because she hates change. I don't mean this to be whiny or rude, but my dad has always been a lot more involved in Ariel's life more than he has been in mine or Alana's, so she and I are far less affected by this than Ariel is. She doesn't want him to leave because she depends on him when she needs anything like her car's acting up or any little thing. Maybe she can start getting off her ass and actually doing shit rather than having dad or us do it all the time, hmm? Anyway, he's supposed to be making a decision, well, yesterday I think but he probably hasn't yet. I should know soon though, but I'm pretty confident he's choosing Texas.

My dad might be leaving the state for five months, and I'm not really bothered.

See, my dad and I have never been really close anyway. I've always felt like he likes my older sister and my baby brother more than he likes my younger sister and I. I've seen him go out of his way to help my older sister time and time again and I feel like he can hardly ever be bothered to help me with anything. Plus, ever since I can remember, he would say he'd do something then never do it or not do it till weeks or even months later, so I find it really hard to trust him and it leads to a bit of a strained relationship. But yeah, a construction company he works for really wants to ship him out. He'd probably be able to come home for two days a month, so it's not like I wouldn't see him at all. I think it would be good. Last year he would be out of town for three, four days at a time and it seemed like everything would go so much smoother for us as a family. Because when dad's around, he says to do something and everyone scrambles to do it, weather you want to or not. So it's nice to just be more chill in general.

I should probably definitely be asleep right now.

Seriously, I have to get up at six. So, I went back to the retina specialists, for the thing with my eye. They said they saw some improvement and they were happy with it so far. Then they put twenty different drops in my eyes, moved me to six different rooms, and gave me a shot in my eye.

I do this annoying thing on Facebook where I post like a bunch. Like, a BUNCH. It only happenes every once in a while, but it's like twenty posts in the space of half an hour. Anyway, I did it tonight, and I had like three people be like 'go to Twitter'. Yes fuck you very much, I'll post what I want, when I want. I literally told them all "Yeah, block buttons work for you too. Go for it." I am so past caring if I insult anyone. I used to be really careful because I had religious people on there from my parents church and I was so worried about someone seeing something and getting offended, but I'm really really over that. Ugh, some people just piss me off.

I'm starting to read Dan Brown's new book 'Inferno' tonight. Literally, I'm two pages in and it's sitting open on my lap right now. When I began to read adult books, meaning not books found in the YA section, the first ones I read were Dan Brown's books. Damn can he write.

I'm going to bed, I have to get up in like five hours. Ok

I Am Now Famous

The Blacklist was back on last night, it hadn't been airing because of the olympics. I really really love the show. I think's it got a great plot, great soundtrack, and I am completely in love with James Spader, sorry not sorry.

That important part is, I tweet during the show and I tweet at the actors and some people on twitter who like the show and I tweet at the official NBC Blacklist twitter. There was one part during the show that Spader's character was being incredibly sassy and brilliant and Spader was just putting down a brilliant performance. I tweeted at the NBC Blacklist twitter "Oh my god, Sassy Reddington is literally my favorite thing on this show." AND. THEY. RETWEETED. MY. TWEET. I REPEAT. A NATIONAL. TELEVISION SHOW'S TWITTER. RETWEETED. MY. TWEET. Here's a link to their twitter, if you don't believe me. Am I internet famous now?

I just thought it was really cool. I love the show and having something like that happen to me just made it even better. I don't know. I know it's a dumb little thing, but it meant a lot to me.

I'm Stupid and Lonely

Mostly stupid though.

But, lonely, yeah.

I wanted to go see The Monuments Men and mom wanted me to have someone to go with and I don't really have any friends, but I texted my friend Jenna and she was at someone's house and it got me thinking. I really have no friends. Like the kind I hang out with. I never ever have plans. Hell, I've never even been to a party. I'm really lonely. I've been in my room crying for the last twenty minuted because it just really fucking depressed me. I'm fucking eighteen and I have no life, no friends. Nothing. I'm hopeless and ugly and stupid and lonely.

And I think I'm coming down with something. My throat hurts and I've been warm all day.

I'm gonna go take a bath and try to not cut myself, because I really really want to right now.

School and Work and Knitting, Oh My!

So, I was having issues with some of my schoolwork not getting graded. I mean, I'm homeschooled, it's al online. I'm doing an online program. Anyway, most things are automatically graded. The only things my teachers actually need to grade are like some papers I write. I had things turned in last Friday and as of yesterday morning they were still not graded. I finally had to email my art history teacher and ask her when I could expect my essays to be graded. These are literally all like three-hundred word papers, it's really not that hard to grade. Anyway, she emailed me back and was like 'Oh, my bad, there were some students who were behind that I was helping. I'll grade yours tonight.' And she did and they were graded this morning, but, really? You have to understand, most of the kids in this online program are kids who have been kicked out of everywhere else, so to hear that some are behind isn't that surprising. I'm fine with it, but she also needs to realize that she has students that work hard and who expect their papers to at least be graded over the weekend. I'm a bit pissed about it.

There's something special going on at work tomorrow. See, I work at JCPenney and something they push is getting people to sign up for the JCPenney credit card, so they'll have special days for the associates and stuff. The point is, we can wear jeans if we wear a black shirt tomorrow. YAY!! Usually, we have to wear business casual. You know, khaki, nice shirts, no denim. So everyone looses their shit and gets really excited. I know I'm excited.

Also, after work I may go shopping. Old Navy is having a sale on jeans and I should go get some. The problem with me and jeans is I'm short and chubby. It's hard to find jeans that fit lengthwise and also fit well in the butt and doesn't do the odd wrinkle thing in the crotch. Am I the only one who has a problem with baggy crotch areas in jeans??!?!? But Old Navy jeans fit me really well, so I should go get some. If anyone's looking for some jeans, they're gonna be like $19 at Old Navy tomorrow. Hit 'em up!

Knitting. I'm starting placemat 4 of 7. I started them as a present for my mom for Christmas. I am so sick of them. They take forever and they're boring and they're not even interesting to make and I have to weave in all the ends and just ugh I really want to be done with them. I also want to learn how to fair isle knit. First though, I want to finish my projects, the placemats, the socks, and a scarf I started months ago.

But, I work in twelve hours, I need a shower, and I'm exhausted. Goodnight!!

Pacific Rim, Also, Guardians of the Galaxy

So yeah, I'm sitting here watching Pacific Rim with my mom and my sister. I got so much done in school today, totally made up for not having internet yesterday. It's an interesting movie so far.  Love the cast, especially Charlie Day and Burn Gorman. Science Bros FTW!

We'll see how the rest of it goes. Honestly, I don't like how the fight scenes are filmed. They're dark and wet and shaky and you have no idea what the hell is going on. I hate cinematography like that, it bothers me more than I can actually describe.

As soon as it's over, though, I'm going to have to get ready for work. I swear my schedule this week is so wonky. I went in at four on Monday, five yesterday, and three-thirty today. I have no idea how they set up the schedule sometimes. Oh well, I'm getting hours again, which is great.

Speaking of work, I may finally have a car again. Mine stopped working a few months ago and my dad said he would look at it. Of course, my dad never ever ever comes through on anything he says and he hadn't gotten to it, so I've been driving around his truck. He worked out a deal with me, and we've gotten it down to the mechanic's, so hopefully I'll have a working car soon so I can stop driving a huge ass truck everywhere. I don't mind it, but there's a huge cab on the back and it looks ridiculous and it's a bit hard to drive sometimes.

About Guardians of the Galaxy. I don't know if you've been following this film, which I have, but we got the first trailer on Jimmy Kimmel live last night. I'm so excited for it, because it's different from Marvel's usual superhero bid. Plus, Karen Gillan and James Spader, yo. It's going to be really go, I can feel it. Here's the trailer, check it out!

I Know I'm Being Foolish, But...

Ok, here's the deal. I'm chubby and ugly and I look like a kid. I know all this. I know that there is no way in hell anyone's ever going to be interested in me and I'm going to end up alone in life. That's a fact and I have accepted it. But, I fool myself all the time that someone might like me. I know it's stupid and I'm only going to hurt myself in the long run, but everyone wants to find love right?

The point is this: Pennys, where I work, is right next to Hot Topic, which is a bad idea because I'm in there almost every week buying shit I don't need. But there's this guy the works there and I see him a lot and he's really attractive and really sweet. Anyway, last night I was at work and this guy and a friend of his just randomly walked through the home department and they were like watching the register where I was, then they did like wide u-turn and walked right past the register where I was.

I know it's totally in my head, but I felt like maybe they were looking at me and, I don't know, I felt good. Every girl wants to feel like people find her attractive and I never feel that. I know, I'm stupid. Really, really, stupid. Ugh

Time to get ready for work now. Hopefully the bad roads kept people home, but I doubt it.

Downton Abbey

So, I'm sitting here watching Downton Abbey. I really really enjoy this show. First of all, I love period dramas of all kinds, so I was totally enticed from the very beginning. Also, I love the cast, I think everyone is just so sweet. Also, there are some character I really hate and dislike, which is refreshing. Sometimes, you get bored when you just love everyone in a show. I don't like Mary. I think she's a snob and kind of heartless. I didn't want her and Matthew to end up together. I'm sorry, I know it's an unpopular opinion, but I can't stand her.

See, I love Michelle Dockery. I think she's gorgeous, funny, and so sweet. But I hate Mary. See, you have to learn to differentiate between characters and the actors that play them. I hate it when people hate on an actor just because they don't like the role they've been given. A perfect example is Amanda Abbington. If you know anything about her, you know that she's really intelligent and sweet and a huge activist for animal rights, I really love her. But the backlash she get when she was cast as Mary in Sherlock was appalling. She got death threats. FUCKING DEATH THREATS, because she was given a role. She and Martin have fucking been a couple since like 2001 or something and people had the audacity to give her shit about it. Sometimes people are really fucking stupid.

A Couple Thoughts on School

So, I finally got my FAFSA done. Honestly, it wasn't as bad as my sister made it out to be. It took maybe a half hour. Noe I should really look into actually applying to a college. But part of me wants to take a semester or so off, but I also know that I should just start with college. It's what my mom wants me to do, so I probably should. What I don't get is that, until we graduate, we're expected to go to class when they say, sit, still, not talk, ask to go to the bathroom, and all that shit. Then, BOOM, you graduate and everyone expects you to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life and go to school for it. I just don't know right now.

And I'm scared of failing. I know I'm dumb and I know I'm never going to be as good or as successful as my sister, so I don't even want to try because I just have this sinking feeling in my gut that I'm not going to be able to do it and I'm going to fail.

One more thing, totally off topic. I adore Adrien Brody, I really really do,

I'm Back, Baby!

After a mini-hiatus I'm back. I've been really busy between ACTs and I finally got my FAFSA turned in and I went and got my hair cut and I had those books I needed to read and work and my sister's birthday is coming up. Yes, a bit busy.

So, the olympics. Yes. I haven't watched as much of them as I would like, but that's part of growing uo I guess. I'm hoping to catch some more this week. That Russian skater, Plushenko, he had to drop out, did you guys hear that? I felt so bad for the guy, I started crying when I read the story. I know he seems like kind of a dick sometimes, but anyone who makes it to the Olympics had worked really hard and deserves to be there.

Yeah, I did got a hair cut. Super short. Frankly, it's kind of a boy's cut, but I love it. Right now it needs washed, but it's soft and short and it's going to be so much fun.

I've been thinking. In my family, I'm a total black sheep of my family. I'm a girl that wears pants, I wear makeup, I have really short hair, and I have my ears pierced. While none of this is considered like the disaster of the century, aside from maybe my hair according to my mom, I've been thinking about something new. I've been thinking about, well, actually two things. One, I want to dye my hair black, or really really dark brown. Two, I kind of want to get my tongue pierced.

I think the hair would look really cool. I've always had a fascination with black hair, I love how it looks. I'm also really pale, and by pale I mean pasty, so I think it would look cool.

The tongue piercing because, again, I think it would look cool and , maybe kind of hot, plus I've just always thought they were so interesting.

We'll see. If anyone has any advice about either, let me know!

Explanation for My Absentness, also, I Feel Inadequate Again

Ok, so sorry you guys. I've been really busy with school this week, trying to do some catch up because I didn't get a lot done, what with what was happening with my eye and shit. On top of which, I've been working, studying for the ACTs (which are tomorrow morning and I'm freaking out), and staying up way too late. I actually just got done with school a bit ago. I shit you not, I wrote three different papers today. THREE. ONE THOUSAND. WORD. PAPERS. Do you realize how much that is when you have that in three different classes and you're supposed to get it all done in five days? And you have a job and a house and a little brother to help with? Fucking hell. Anyway

There's a new girl at work, Erin. She's really sweet and her sister works there too and I like her, but she makes me feel like so much shit. She's gorgeous. Seriously drop dead gorgeous. And tall and skinny and funny. Basically, everything I'm not. I already hate myself and shit like this doesn't really help.

I don't know, I think I'm stressed. I cut again a few nights ago. My first time in over a month. Or maybe around a month. I don't know. I was really angry at myself but it was such a release and, I'm sorry but, I felt really calm and relieved afterward, like I always do. I'm trying to stop, but it's hard.

Today Sucked Ass: A Recap

Alright, let's do this. First of all, my brother was impossible to wake up this evening, because he wouldn't go to bed last night. Then, our internet wasn't working (again) so I didn't get to start school till almost 9. Then, I had to take my little sister into our school so she could do some sort of PE shit. They're really strict there, so no music dammit.

Then it really got awesome when we got home. Mom had something huge up her ass. She usually sleeps most of the day, so I don't even know why she got up. She was pissed because the house was a mess. Fucking excuse me mom. It was clean when I left for work last night and god forbid I did school this morning. Then I did start to clean it and she seemed even more pissed. I ended up yelling at her because she freaked out at my brother for not liking the mushrooms on his pizza. Anyway, I've been in my room most of the evening.

Dinner was kind of awkward. I just sat there. The, I tried to get my sister to hurry up and clean the table but my mom get a really snooty tone and was like, "No, I've got it. You go do whatever." So, I went upstairs. If she's being a bitch, then I'm not going to be around her anymore than I have to. Apparently my little sister did stay downstairs to help. Oh well, I'm pissed and I don't care who my mom like more, cause it sure as fuck ain't me.

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, Also, Those Books I was Reading

I went to see Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit last night with Jenna. It was really good. It stars Chris Pine as Jack Ryan, Keira Knightly as his girlfriend Cathy, Kevin Costner as Thomas Harper, and Kenneth Branagh pulls double duty as both the film's director and also as the Russian baddie, Viktor Cherevin.

It was great. It seemed really short, though. Like, some parts dragged a bit, both other parts that I thought should have been a little more expounded and stretched out seemed very short. Kenneth Branagh did amazing as always. Personally, I find him really attractive. He does this thing, though, that whenever he talks, you don't see his teeth. But I thought he was great and I felt a lot of sympathy for his character, especially toward the end of the movie. I would suggest everyone go see it.

About those books. I'm less than 100 pages from finishing 'Contagious'. I totally forgot about one of my favorite characters dying and I was so shocked I just had to set the book down for a few minutes. I started working on a Cowl while reading, and I'm almost done with that as well. I might not have much time to read this week though because I work alot and then I have ACTs Saturday, so I really need to do some studying for that.

This damn Super Bowl, I swear to god. I'm not a sports fan, so it's not a big deal for me. My dad isn't a sports fan either, but he insisted on watching the goddamn game, and now I don't think I'm going to be able to watch Sherlock on tv tonight. My dad doesn't fucking get it. I have waited eighteen months for this show and there's only three goddamn episodes. I'm really fucking pissed about it. He does fucking whatever and he doesn't give a shit how much it inconveniences me or my mom or my sister but as soon as there's something that I really really want to do, it has to work around his schedule and god fucking forbid he miss a football game because he doesn't give two shits about these teams. Fuck him! I'm sorry, I'm just really upset.

Weekend Plans (Trust Me, They're Rad)

Ok, ever read Infected by Scott Sigler? Go, now, read it. I'll wait....
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Jesus, come on.
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..Done? Good.

Ok, well my mom picked up the other two book in the series for me at the library.

Contagious, the second one, and the final book in the trilogy, Pandemic.

So, plans. Well my room is clean

See? Awesome.

So, when I get home from work, it's a shower then I'm curling up in my chair with my knitting and my book.

Tomorrow? I don't work till 4, so more reading and knitting. I should also study for ACTs dammit. Jenna from work wants to go see a movie tomorrow probably, so tomorrow night's busy. I can stay up late Saturday night though, I don't work Sunday, so I'll be going to my parent's church. That means I can sleep...

Hopefully by Sunday, I'm almost done. I'll let you guys know.

ACTs, Also, Eye Updates

Yeah, I have my ACTs next Saturday. Problem is, I have the tests at eight, work at noon, and I won't be leaving this place till like one in the afternoon. I either need someone to trade me shifts, or I'll just have to call and tell them I'll be in an hour late. Ugh, it sucks but my ACTs are really important. College and all that shit.

Ok, eye. It's still tender as hell. I haven't been able to do a lot of schoolwork because it's sore so looking at a computer screen for three straight hours hurts it. It's feel a lot better than it did that first day though. It sounds like I'll be living with this thing for the rest of my life. Though, my mom believes that her god is going to intervene and I'll just wake up totally perfect.........yeah, ok. But, you know what, she wanted to tell her church and have them pray, so power to her. It makes her feel better about it, so I'm not going to stop her. I, however, would rather believe in the medicine to stop this thing from ever getting worse than to believe some deity to fix it. Ah, well.

Other news, I'm still working on the socks. They're on temporary hiatus because the day I got all the eye stuff done, I was laying on the couch, but I couldn't sleep because honestly I was in too much pain. I felt like knitting but I wanted something I could do without looking. So, I'm working on mom's place mats again, because it's just garter stitching the whole thing. Really easy. I ended up sitting on the loveseat with my eyes closed for and hour or two just knitting. Not bad, really.

School. I feel like my Art History teacher is going to be a pain. She new to the school, so she's not down with the whole online system yet. Fine ok, but she still has not gotten back to me about something I needed Tuesday. Awesome.

I think that's it. So, going to go do some more schoolwork, then knit, then work this evening. Yay for Friday nights working retail!

One more thing. Have an awesome Friday, and enjoy this lovely picture of one of my favorite bands: Marianas Trench. Look them up and have a great Friday.

That's Unfortunate News...

Hey, guys. I got some bad news today, and I'm more than a bit upset.

Ok, backstory. About two months ago, Alan and I were playing around like we do and he elbowed me really hard in the eye. A few days later, I noticed that I had a black spot on the middle of my left eye that I couldn't see through. I figured that I just got his really hard and had a bruised retina or something. It got a bit better but mainly, just stayed as it was.

I went to my eye doctor today to get a new contact perscription and I told them about it. Long story short, I had to get a lot of photos of my eyes, then my mom had to come drive me to a retina specialist because my pupils were jacked up. There, I got three sets up super bright photos and, total, about ten series of eye drops.

I have ocular histoplasmosis. Basically, everyone as a child get exposed to airborne fungus and such, and sometimes that can lead to infections that leave scars on one's retina. Then it grows small, additional blood vessels, consequently trapping blood and fluids behind the eye.

So, that's what's up. Honestly, I started crying as soon as the doctor left me alone so I could call my mom. I was freaking out. I got a shot in my eye and I'm going back in about five weeks for another shot. That's the only treatment right now. It's not going to cure it completely, but it can maybe improve it a bit, or at least stop it from progressing any more.

What really freaks me out is that I have a huge chance of getting the same thing in my right eye. They said that no one actually goes completely blind from this, but it's still really fucking scary.

So, if you pray, I wouldn't mind you asking the man up top for some help. If you meditate, send good vibes this way. If you read this, hope I'll get this fucker taken care of. Thank you guys.

The Rest of the Concert Pictures

So, here they are, the rest of the concert pictures, thank you, Erika. she ran to the bathroom halfway through and couldn't get back into the pit, so not as many, but some really good ones.

She and I were both going on and on about how much Kollin looked liked David Tennant, given that we're both such big Doctor Who fans. Awesome.

Adam, lead vocals and guitar.

Maya rockin it on drums baby!

Left to right: Justin, Adam, Maya, and Kollin

By the way, check out their website

MOTHERFUCKING DRUM SET

They performed 'Vegas Lights' when they came out and I lost my shit so hard. That song is my fucking jam.

Look! Look how happy Brendon is. He loves this and I love him.

Dallon!

I just love these all so much.

My favorite. That's Maya, Adam, and Justin. He was so sweet. I didn't want to be over eager or anything, so I was just going to stand there all awkward. Justin looked over at me and was like  "Honey, this is your picture, you gotta actually fuckin' get in it" and pulled me over. Loved his shirt. They were so sweet! They said Kollin had fallen asleep a while ago and was sleeping in the van cause he was sick. Hope the poor guy's feeling better

So, that's the rest of them. Enjoy