Week..Six? I think?

Yeah, I think I'm six weeks into college by this point. i'm not positive, it's all become one big blur. I totally fucking failed my first lath test. I got a 59. Fucking 59. Like damn teacher man, you couldn't give me one more bullshit point so that I could scrape by?! You sir, are a huge dick, thanks.

So there's that. Also, I feel like all the teaches get together and decide to put all their tests in the same three days. I had two tests last Thursday, one Friday and I'm going to have one tomorrow. I fucking give up at this point, I don't care if I pass, I just want to get them over with.

On top of which, I'm still working fucking five days a week. Like damn Penney, I'm a fucking college kid, cut me some slack. It's because I'm one of the few people in that godforsaken place to actually get shit done though. Seriously, so many of the other people, especially in kids it seems, just stand around and I'm like, "Bitch, I know there is shit to be done, how about you go do some of it for a change, thanks."

I don't know, I;m full of coffee and I'm rambling. Plus, I like the sound of keys clacking. I always have. So I'm mainly sitting here clacking keys for my own pleasure. I think I'm officially failing my math class now. I've gotten 11/20 on all three quizzes and 59/100 on the first test, so that's, what, a fifty percent? Damn I need to get my shit together. But I have an opportunity to get extra points on my next test, so I might actually try to give a damn about this class if it means I can keep myself from failing. It may be a lost cause by now, though. I'll keep you posted.

So, yeah...

Well, good news: I got out of math a half hour early today, so happy fucking Friday!
Bad news: I got out early because we could leave as soon as we finished our quiz and I'm eighty percent sure I fucking failed the quiz. It's partly my fault because I'm a fucking idiot and no good at math, but it's also partly my teachers fault. He doesn't teach! He just solves problem without explaining anything!

So, happy Friday everyone. I hope your day's going better than mine has been so far. Ok, the rest of it shouldn't be too bad. I'm finishing up a bit of English, since my class is in an hour, but it's just posting on a few forums so that's cool. I actually just finished it, so now I have an hour to kill until English, then I work tonight so yeah, it could be worse. And there's no fucking way I'm gonna start my math homework. I'm not doing any homework today. I planned out my whole weekend. I work Saturday so I'm gonna get up early, clean my room, and do all my homework before work and finish it after work if I need to. And I have Sunday off so I'll finish up any last pieces of work and just relax for a change so yeah.

That's basically all from me, so Allons-y!

I apologize most sincerely.

I know I haven't posted in over a month or two. I have no excuse except I am a really shitty person. I do really hope to get back to posting regularly.

At this moment, I am on the OSU Lima campus. Yes, I have begun my first day of college. My class isn't until 9 though, but my sister and I carpool a few days, so I showed up an hour early. Shout out to the librarian who let me into the library ten minutes early because I was just awkwardly standing outside. You're very rad, ma'am.

So yeah, I have three classes today and I'll be out of here by 1:30 at the latest. I'm really excited, but I also feel like I could throw up at any minute. I'm really hoping that I see some of the people that I got to know at the meet and great yesterday. You know who I did see yesterday? Andrew's wife. Andrew from my work, he's married, so she and I sat together for a while. She's such a sweet person, he's a lucky guy. Well. I guess they're both pretty lucky.

So, I guess I'll be sitting here for another fifteen minutes or so, then I'll head and try to find my class. Hopefully I can find them all okay. they're all in the same building, so I should be fine.

Well, it's all over now.

My celebratory period of my graduation is over. My party was yesterday so now it's just thank you cards, orientation, and then college.

I am so happy with how my party went. Honestly, I got about $800. I'm hoping to be able to buy a really nice Dell laptop for school, so that's where that money is going. I had a lot more people than I thought I would. A good number of people from my mother's church and a ton of my dad's family. It was lovely. I did get stressed because I was having to constantly go around and say hi and shake hands and smile and talk to people. By the end of the night, I just sat in my car sobbing. I don't know why, I was sad and happy and stressed and scared and depressed.  Thankfully, though, I had friends from work who came, so mostly I hung with them. See, even if people are really nice and friendly, I can't help but think that they're staring at me and judging me, so it was so relieving to be able to sit with friends from work. I have never had a group of people I feel so comfortable and safe around and it feels incredible to know that I can say almost anything and these people won't judge me. I really appreciate my work friends. So it was Me, Jenna, Katie, Rachel, Andrew, Cori, and Shelia most of the afternoon. Rachel's leaving for Columbus on Thursday though, so I'll have to get her goodbye card and also her thank you card to her before she leaves. I am really going to miss her, and I swear to god if Penneys hires more lazy, stupid high school kids, I am going to fucking scream. So yeah.

So, I got the nicest cotton yarn a few days ago, and then I found a pattern for a hand-knit washcloth made out of, yeah, worsted weight cotton yarn, so guess what I cast on this morning? Very excited, the picture is gorgeous and the pattern is so easy I could probably do it in my sleep.

I think that's about it. So, I'm off to write thank you cards and look at new laptops. Cheerio!

On To bigger and Better Things.

In the time since I've last written, I have...graduated. Yeah, that's about all. Honestly, everyone makes graduation out to be a huge deal, but I don't see it. Like, whoopie you have completed the easiest part of your life, go get 'em.

I do apologize for not writing for so long. Ever since mom discovered my blog, I've kind of drifted away. I guess I don't feel safe anymore. This was my haven, my place where I could say absolutely anything, and now that fragile shell has be broken and I never know if she's reading this or not and that scares the hell out of me. Well, that, and I've proven time and time again that I am really good at starting things and really shitty at finishing them.

But, I digress. So, work. See, I don't get Penney's. We have people who are literally working nine hours a week because of 'payroll cuts' and shit, and they just hired six new people! Like, give hours to the people who are good workers and who need them, first, please and thank you. But, my hours have been ok. We've gotten like two new people in as many weeks. What sucks is some of my favorite people are leaving me. Rachel's heading down to Columbus for school, Ashley's going to Miami University in the fall, and Danielle just kind of stopped showing up. No one really knows what's going on, so asking around has been totally useless. But, I've had the last two days off, so when I go in this evening, there should be a whole slew of news/gossip for me to hear. I'm really a terrible gossip,it's horrible.

And knitting, yes. Did I ever talk about the placemats? I don't know. Well, back when I first started to knit, I decided to make my mom placemats for her Christmas present. I'm almost done with the last one. See, I really underestimated how long it would take me to make six of these, so I only had three done by Christmas, with the promise that the rest of them would be done by February at the latest. But, to someone who wants to keep learning new stitches and new techniques and stuff, they were so boring. So I worked on baby socks and hair bows and a lot of other things while occasionally doing the placemats. But I have one more section on my last one, then I'm finally done. I can't wait to never ever ever ever ever have to make those again. Easy, but very boring. My next project is a sweater for me. I'm super excited. It's a ballet sweater, one of those that ties right under your boobs. Here's the thing though: the yarn they wanted me to use, I looked around online for and hour and couldn't find it and when I did, it was like $38 a ball and I needed like four, so no thanks. So I went internet hunting and found some much cheaper, much prettier, yarn. It's going to be black, charcoal gray, and a really deep primrose. I'm super excited. I have the rest of the yarn and a ball winder that should hopefully be arriving from Amazon today, so I'm going to finish that placemat in the next day or two (knock on wood) then it's onto the sweater! I am really so excited about this. I will wear it everyday.

Well, the Alternative Press Music Awards are a month away and I haven't even asked anyone to go with me. I literally don't even care if I find someone or not, I am going to this and not even mom will stop me. She told me that if I go 'against her wishes' and go by myself that there will be consequences, but what she doesn't consider is that I understand that perfectly, but I think the risk is totally worth it. Plus, AP has special commemorative issue magazines, four of them, Andy Biersack, Oli Skyes, Patrick Stump, and Brendon Urie, so yeah, I'm gonna buy those and hopefully a signed Brendon Urie poster.

My grad party is soon. The 29th, I think. How much planning and preparing do you think I've done. Yup, none. Well, that's not entirely true. I've started looking though pictures on my computer to figure out which ones I want. I did not realize how many selfies I took. A fuckton, man! Anyway, we're slowly getting that going.

Dad is still going to Texas. he leaves Sunday. He wants us all to fly out to see him sometime in August. It is hell on earth, let me tell you. First of all, this company has changed his departure date like twenty times, so I don't want to ask for the dates off of work yet because they'll probably change. And mom is mad because she doesn't want to go. She's scared of flying and she think Alan will be a hassle. I mean, maybe she can grow the fuck up and just deal? I don't know. And the other night mom and dad sat us all down for a meeting in which they said that we'd have to help around the house and listen to mom while dad's gone. I have two problem with this. One: They kept going to about how we would have to really step it up with cooking, cleaning, and watching Alan. They made it seem like dad actually did some of that, which he in no way ever did. In my eighteen years of life, I never remember him once helping us clean the house. Then they tell us that we'll need to help out even more since he'll be gone. Yeah, go fuck yourselves. And two: mom has a damn martyr complex. She gave us a whole speech about how we can't walk all over her while he's gone and we'll have to respect her and on and on and on. Listen, I know it makes me seem like a terrible and ungrateful teenager, and maybe I am, but I respect my parents enough and probably more than they deserve. See, I don't care who you are, parent, teacher, boss, whatever. I will give you basic respect because that's what I've been raised to do. If you want anything more than that, fucking earn it. Mom told me once that it was my job to respect her weather she deserved it or not, because she was my mother. I don't agree with that. She's not immune to criticism and disrespect just because she gave birth to me. I should be allowed to speak my mind to her, but I rarely do because if you upset her, she gets so pissy and won't speak and everyone just get all hot and bothered.

But yeah, I think I'm done. Probably, no one read all the way to the end, but thanks if you did. I realize that no one reads this blog anyway, but it's nice to be able to scream into a chasm, even if that chasm is only cyberspace.

A Day of Lasts, and Maybe of Firsts.

So, today is my last day of high school. I actually finished last Friday, but I had to log on today for attendance and such. It feels bittersweet and weird. It's the last day of my high school career, but it's also the first day of never being called a high school student again. It's the last time I'll sit at this little computer and do school, but it's also the first time I can start being seen as something beyond my grade level.

Basically, I'm terrified. I want to grow up and go to college, but I'm stupid and ugly and what if I flunk out? What if I never make any friends? These are real fears. But, I'm ready. I don't actually graduate until Friday, so I'll have a few days to adjust to this whole 'no more high school' thing.

Ok, other news. Yeah, my graduation is Friday, yay! Uh, so I found this knitting pattern for baby socks and I've made three pairs. Well, almost. My friend at work is having a baby, so I was making a pair for her, then my sister asked if I could make her friend at work a pair because she was having a baby as well. And I'm making a pair for my friend in Arkansas because her son is turning one soon. I'm also going to make her some hair bow things, because they look cute and easy and I want to send her something for herself. So there's that.

I got myself a ticket for The Alternative Press first Annual Music Awards. My mom wants someone to go with me and I agree, I would love to go with a friend, but I don't really have any close friends who will go and tickets are gonna sell out soon and some of the most important bands in my life are gonna be there and I would rather bang my head against a wall for an hour than miss this show. So I may just go alone, but mom is angry and I can understand. I wanna go with a friend so I'm not that weird person at this awesome party alone, but I'd rather go alone than not go at all. I mean, Brendon Urie and Fall Out Boy and Andy Biersack and Asking Alexandria is going to be there and oh my god. So there's that, too

I think that's it. I'm going to wipe everything off my computer and take it back into the school in a bit, and I have to work this afternoon. And graduation this Friday, party next month, and I should probably apply for college soon.

I haven't done any school in, like, two weeks.

But that's fine. See, the homeschool program I do is kind of a last chance school for a lot of kids that go there, so the grading curve is insane. Ok, so they track your progress in percentages and you're supposed to do a certain percentage of your classwork every week, but anything over 80% is extra credit. Follow? So basically, if I get to eighty, I can do nothing the rest of the year and still pass with 90s in all my classes. So yeah, I haven't done any schoolwork hardly the last few days.

A deacon at my former church passed away this morning. He'd been a deacon since I was eight or so, like ten years. He'd been having health issues lately. so he stepped down. Then the doctors told him he had really advanced cancer and there was nothing they could do for him. But here's the thing that angers me. While he was alive my mom and her whole church was all like 'God will raise up his servant' 'The Great Physician can heal him' And now that he's dead, all I'm hearing is 'It was his time' 'God has called home his servant'. Like, you can't take life so passively. If he had lived, they would have called it god's plan, but he died so obviously that was god's plan. Like, they just accept whatever and it pisses me off that someone can be so passive about their life.

I knew him well, though.And his grandson is my sister's boyfriend, so we're pretty close to the family. I mean, anytime someone who's been a constant figure in your life, even if only on the peripheral, passes away, it's hard. I kept crying at work and I tried to hold it in and at one point Andrew asked me what was wrong and I was crying and trying to explain it to him and he was like 'Do you need a hug? You need a hug, c'mere' And it was really sweet. And Ashley just kept asking me all night if I was ok because I told her about it when I got there and I was bawling and she hugged me and was like 'Anything you need tonight, tell me. If you need to go sit down somewhere for a while, just go do it" And I just really appreciate the people I work with. But yeah, work was rough. I did get Saturday off to go to his funeral, though, so there's that.

I have this necklace that's a bird in a cage and I work it tonight, thinking nothing about it. Then Andrew asked me later if there was any meaning behind it. I just kind of hem-hawed my way out of it, but it got me thinking. Now this is going to sound depressing and melodramatic, but I'm depressed and melodramatic, so whatever. In a way, it's like I am the caged bird. Even though I live a different life than my family, I still have theie expectations, and people's view of me, and society's view of me, and my view of myself. and on top of that I have my fears and my insecurities and my anxieties and the fact that most of the time I want to slit my wrists and hang myself. And all that cages me in and I'm scared to actually live my life, because I'm too scared. I fear falling, so I never try to fly. Like I said, melodramatic and depressing, but maybe with a hint of truth?

But I'm tired and it's been a physically and emotionally exhausting day, so I'm going to bed.