Here It Goes Again

It starts out easy, something simple, something sleazy, something inching past the edge of your toes.

that's a song from OK Go is you were unaware.

I don't know how many times I've began writing with 'renewed vigor' but I'm hoping that I really mean it this time. I don't have much to write about, but I'm hoping to talk about what's going on in my day to day life, my knitting, music, Harry Potter, or whatever else pops into my head.

So, Allons-y.

BRUH

So, I'm sitting here in the computer lab doing some homework and this guy is having the loudest convo right behind me. Dude, get some chill and lower your fucking voice. Thanks, bye.

There's a Reason I've Lost Interest

So, there's a lot of things in my life that I don't talk to my family about. Not because I couldn't, I mean, if I really wanted to I could but I really don't want to. But the problem is my mom is going to find out everything whether I want her too or not. But the thing is, I started this blog so I could have a place to just rant and rave about everything but she somehow found it. I don't know how she does it she's just able to sniff me out in the very odd areas of the net. And once she finds whatever current thing I'm using I kind of lose interest because I'm not sure if she's reading or not. So I'm trying to keep this updated but I just don't know if I'm feeling it anymore. I'm not going to delete this blog or anything so I'm really going to try to start updating this more often.

So, yeah: The Sqeuel

Ok yeah, maybe I ditched Josh the other night, but two nights ago we went to the movies. First off, The Imitation Game is amazing and god bless Benedict Cumberbatch and you should all go see this amazing film. Also, Josh told me he liked me. I kind of walked into it, there was a scene in the film and I remarked to him how stupid I thought that people always felt the need to be so coy about their feelings towards other people and how they never just said what they felt. He leaned towards me and said, "Hey?" and I'm like, "Yeah?" and he just goes, "I like you.". But, no, I did the worst thing anyone can do. I stared at him and said, "Oh...Um, thank you. That's, uh, sweet." And I felt really bad about it. But, here's the thing, I like this guy. I think I may even like like him, but I just met him. I'm not even comfortable around people I've known for a long time, so how the hell am I supposed to be comfortable around this guy I just met? The thing is, I literally hate myself, so how am I supposed to spend time around someone who I know likes me? He did, however, understand when I told him that I like him but I would need to get to him better first. He also told me that he had never been in a relationship, which I hadn't either and that relaxed me a bit. So, I think I'm going to hang out at his house after work tonight and meet some of his friends. So, we'll see how that goes,

So, yeah...

I kind of blew that Josh guy off last night. Oh my god, I just realized how that sounded No, not like that. He asked if we were still going to hang out and I ditched. The Theater class had me really stressed out because I was in a new environment and I was literally forced to make eye contact which sent me into panic mode and the whole class was me basically trying not to have a full blown panic attack during it. So I was tired and I had a headache after class. I went home, took a hot bath, and sat on my bed doing homework all night. So I told him that I was stressed and it was probably better for us to plan a time and date to meet, because spur of the moment plans genuinely give me anxiety. So we're going to see The Imitation Game tonight. He asked if I wanted him to pick me up, but I don't want to lead him on and feel like this is a date, so I just told him I'd met him there. I mean, I like the guy, but I don't think I like him in that way and I don't want him to think that I do. I mean, I don't know what's going to happen down the road, but for now I'm more than happy to just be friends, because he's hella fucking cool and I could use friends.

School's Started Again and I'm Over It

I hate the first week. Having to find your classroom and decide where you're going to sit. I'm not comfortable in my classroom until the third week usually, so this blows. But I only have one more first class, so we'll see how it goes. I'm actually really excited because it's a Theater class and it's Shakespeare and my English teacher from last year is teaching it and I love him. I actually didn't meet the prerequisites for the class but I talked to him and he let me enroll anyway. I'm stoked.

So, there's this guy. He's a friend of one of the girls I work with and I met in at orientation way back in August and I hadn't talked to him since. Anyway, apparently he found out that I worked with a girl he knew and he asked her about me and she asked me if she could give him my number and long story short we sat in the library and talked for an hour yesterday and it was nice and terrifying. His name's Josh and we're into a lot of the same stuff and he's really cool and he told Danielle that he's had a crush on me since school started and she told me and I wish she hadn't because I'm ugly and stupid and people don't have crushes on me what the fuck. And, oh yeah, he asked me if I wanted to hang out last night and I said no so he asked me again today and I said yes so apparently we're hanging out after my last class and I'm having a panic attack just thinking about it because what the hell how do people act in situations like this I have no clue what to do and I need a lot of help. So I'm sitting in the library stressing about our impending hanging out. I feel like I don't know him well enough to just be like, "Man, you're cool, but I'm having a panic attack so I'm just going to go home and do homework." And how am I supposed to get to know him if I don't hang out with him? How do people hang out? What's expected of me? Christ, I'm getting dizzy. I'm freaking out about this and I just want to not do this.

Ok, But Consider This

Having social anxiety is really a shitty thing to have to deal with. I'm kind of a bitter and petty person, but I wouldn't wish social anxiety on even my worst enemy. It's not wanting to get out of bed because you'll have to deal with people. It's biting your cheek until it bleeds because you're so nervous. It's hating yourself because you knew the answer that the teacher wanted to hear, but you were too scared to raise your hand. It's getting into your car and breaking down into tears after a social event because you're so worn out. It's feeling like you're going to vomit every time you walk into a meeting. It's thinking that people are talking about you whenever anyone near you whispers or laughs. It's feeling lonely because you have no friends but hating yourself because it's your own fault that you're so shy.