Senior Pictures

So, it looks like they're going to be tomorrow afternoon, like 5-6, somewhere in there. I hate this. I hate that I need these pictures. In all honesty, if my mom didn't have her heart so set on it, I wouldn't even bother. I hate cameras. I hate looking at them. I hate how I look in pictures. I hate how I look in real life. I hate how I look. I hate this. But I'm going to go and smile and do it and probably come home and cry. I don't know what it is, but whenever I have to get photos done, I just start crying, then I have to hold it in until I'm done with them. School pictures the last five years were hell, let me tell you. so I'm not really excited for this. Also, scars again, I know I mention it a lot, but they're a big part of my life, sad as that is. But I kind of have my outfit planned out, so I think I'm going with long sleeves. I should look ok. I just hate this so much.

Basketball, Texas, and Concerts

Yeah, I'm going to a basketball game Sunday. The Cleveland Cavaliers, I think? I'm not really that into sports but my dad's doing a little family outing thing. It should be fun though. As long as my mom doesn't ruin it. she always seems to get really bitchy whenever we do family things that aren't church related. It's like she gets personally offended by all the people who aren't Christians or something, so then she gets super pissy, which is just awesome, let me tell you. Other than that though, it should be fun. I think my dad's doing it to make up for the fact that he's gonna be gone? I don't know, but it seems like he's been trying to do more with us?

Speaking of Texas, the company is actually gonna have him on a project in Columbus for like six weeks or something, so he'll be gone during the week and back up here on the weekends. After that ends, I think he's supposed to have a week or two, then it's off to Texas. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't think it's going to be a big deal. We'll adjust like we do every other time, and we'll get used to it. I think my mom and Ariel are going to have the hardest time. I honestly don't really care either way.

Remember The Colourist? That band I love (Well, one of the many bands I love) Yeah, they're going to be in Columbus on their first headlining tour, and guess when it is?! Yeah, Sunday. So, I'm going to miss it and I'm super bummed. I wanted a chance to see/meet Kollin, since I didn't last time I saw them. Also, Night Terrors of 1924 are opening for them and I love them, so I'm missing that too. Oh well, I think they're going to have a great career, so maybe in the future. Panic! at the Disco is touring this summer though, so I'm totally planning on going to that.

I am so sick of my crappy internet.

Seriously, though, I haven't gotten any school done the last two days, so I'm at the library again. I need to finish my Psychology course by the end of the day because it's the last day of the quarter and whatnot. So I need to finish writing an essay, write another essay, take a test, so a course review, and take a course exam. And I need to be done by three. I'm telling you all this because I am lazy and a procrastinator.

Oh my god, I had the craziest thing to tell you. So this guy and I met online and we were taking (Yes, I know how it sounds, I've had the stranger danger talk, please) and it turns out we both live in Lima. So he asked if he could stop by my work to meet and and I thought 'ok, at my work, public place, why not?' so I was like yeah, sure stop in tomorrow evening. So he did and it turns out he goes to the of the sister churches of my mom's church and he knows my sister and we know a lot of the same people. I was like 'Holy shit I was really talking to a church boy about how much I don't believe in god wow ok'. I mean he was sweet and all, but he was a country bumpkin I guess. I mean, he asked me what analytical meant and I was like nope nope no I need out of this conversation. So nice and all, but I kinda hope I never see him again. It was definitely a new experience though and I'd probably do it again.

Speaking of work, I got called in early yesterday, so that was interesting. I was supposed to work at 5, but I got a call from one of the managers. The opener called off so they called everyone and moved their shifts up. I was at work from 1 to 9:30. It was so long, but nice for the check.

But I do really need to get school done, I just feel bad if I don't post every few days. But my Internet sucks, so what can you do, right?

Work makes me really tense.

Seriously, we were swamped today. I have social anxiety, so being around a lot of people can really stress me out and scare me at times. I was doing great today, even though it was the busiest we've been in weeks, I was totally okay. Then I got trapped behind the register for an hour. Usually I 'll do it for a while then pass it off because I can't handle it, but there was no one else. Andrew finally came up later and got on the other register. We close at 6, but we had people in line until 6:20, it was awful. I was shaking and my breathing was really erratic by the time everyone was gone. See, I think Andrew might have an idea what I go through. We've talked about anxiety and such before. I appreciate him so much, I feel like I can trust him, he knows more about my issues than anyone else there. So when we were done he was like, 'You ok? Doing good? Ok, you're awesome, remember that.' and I just really appreciate him and he has great taste in music and I get so upset when I remember that he's married dammit. But I still appreciate him for being an amazing and supportive person who's willing to deal with all the weird shit I tell him.

But there was a special sale for employee's and stuff today (I love working at Penneys) so I scored some work clothes and they're awesome.

You know what? I haven't knitted much lately. I've been really busy. I've been behind in my school work so I've been doing double trying to catch up, I worked five days last week, I've been trying to schedule senior pics, I'm trying to coordinate some stuff going on in the next few months. It's been busy. I did a bit last night but I was so tired I crashed.

This week should be better. I'm like two lessons away form being caught up with school, so cool. I really need to do my laundry tomorrow though, so I may do that during school. And I only work four days this week. I do work tomorrow night though, but then I have two days off, yay!

I wrote this at 8:50 last night, didn't have internet so I'm posting now.

So, I was supposed to see Divergent last night, but the friend who I was going with was too tired after her shift at Lowe's, so it got called off. That means that I sat in the parking lot after work for half an hour on a Thursday night for her to call and say she was too tired. So we rescheduled for tonight. You know, no big deal, whatever. Then, we plan for tonight and I have my ticket bought and paid for and I'm all excited. I had actually just done my hair and put a bit of hairspray in it when she texts me and says she can't go tonight because her mom needs her car. Straight up, I feel like she just doesn't want to hang out with me and I've been in my room crying for an hour. If she tries to schedule again I'm just going to tell her I'm busy. Honestly I'm really upset about it. I mean, if she doesn't want to go see it with me she should just tell me. I know it's just a dumb movie, but I don't have any other friends to go with because the few people whose number I have are either in other states or they wouldn't want to go with me. I'm just gonna go to bed early and be really rested for work tomorrow morning.

Yeah, I actually work tomorrow morning, I'm so excited. During the week, I only work nights because of high school and stuff, so I'd love to open and work mornings on the weekends but usually they're like 'lol nope you can close for five days straight what' At least I had today off, I had to close for four days straight before today. In short, I think hell with be a busy department store with only two registers.

I got a really cute skirt at TJMaxx today. It's really simple and long and black and it comes up just a bit in the front so you can see my feet. I love it and my mom just about pissed herself when she saw I bought a long skirt she was so excited.

Yeah, I think I'm just trying to distract myself from the fact that Jenna fucking canceled two nights in a row. I'm hurt and upset, but I'm just getting angry now. It's fucking bullshit, that bitch. I'm done. Maybe I will just go, I have the damn ticket, then I can tell her that I had already bought the ticket so I just went anyway. I'll go by myself, but I'll probably tell her that I went with some friends, because I'm a petty little dick. Yeah, fuck Jenna, I'm going to the goddamn movie. Ok, see you later.

Happy Spring!

I'm freezing my ass off. Seriously, it's freezing in my house. Ugh. Fucking first day of spring my ass.

I had a thought just a few minutes ago. Swimsuit season. Then I got really panicked. Ok, I have a few problems with swimsuit season. One, I'm ugly and way too fat for bikinis so I don't wear them and everyone one else on earth looks better in swimwear than I do and it makes me cry and hate myself. Two, scars. I have a bunch on my thighs and a lot on my arms, mainly wrists and upper arms. Are you seeing my problem? How am I supposed to hide them for four months while everyone else is in tank tops and booty shorts? Plus, again, fat and ugly, so the more of my I can hide under clothing, the better it is for me and everyone who has to look at me. Ugh. This is one of the top reasons why I hate summer. I feel insecure and I get depressed, so I want to cut, but I can cause it's short sleeve season, so I get more depressed. Fuck everything, I'll wear jackets all summer. That's not weird or anything.

I've been training the new girl at work. Another one. She's really sweet and she's catching on really quick. And I'm frumpy and ugly and she's cute and sweet and I hate everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who does any actual work in that department, because everyone else just stands around and talks. I mean, I do too sometimes, but I also get a lot of shit done and it's just I wish they would help and and actually work sometimes and just blegh. Oh well, that's life I suppose.

I've been reading American Gods By Neil Gaiman over the last week. It's a library book so I have to go renew it tomorrow because I really love it. Gaiman's a great writer. I read his book Stardust a couple of years ago. A bit fanciful for me, but well written in my opinion. so, I'm eager to finish this one and tell you how I like it.

I have an excuse.

I was gone for a few days because our internet wasn't working. I also had an eye appointment yesterday morning. I'm actually at the library now because our internet still isn't working. So I decided to blog instead of catching up on three days of work.

So, eye doctor. I'm apparently not going to be getting new contacts until the middle of summer. They said my eyesight had improved but they didn't want to give me anything new when my eyes could very possible change over the next few months. So, I'm back in glasses for the foreseeable future. Haha, get it? ForSEEable? As in see? Hahaha, ok. I'm ticked about it. I don't want to do my senior pictures in glasses. Fuck it all. I mean, I totally understand where they're coming from, but I'm still bummed about it.

INFERNO. IF YOU'VE NEVER READ DAN BROWN STOP READING THIS BLOG, GO READ HIS BOOKS, THEN COME BACK AND READ THIS BLOG. I really enjoyed it. Less religious than his other books, which worked well for him. There were a few twists, which is to be expected, and I loved the ending. A, well done, would read again.

Speaking of reading, I'm now starting Neil Gaiman's American Gods. I read and enjoyed his book Stardust, and I had heard only good things about this book, so I'm giving it a try. Not very far in, maybe thirty pages or so, but I'm enjoying it. I'll keep you posted.

Texas (Again) and New Music

So dad apparently accepted the offer so he'll be leaving for Texas by the end of the month. I think it'll be fine. Honestly, I'm not really bothered by it either way. It's weird but things like that very rarely actually bother me. Usually I'm indifferent one way or the other. I know everyone else in my family is like freaking out about it and I'm just like, 'I bought new yarn for my project.' Which is totally true by the way, I did buy some yarn yesterday. It's a cute wool/nylon blend. I'll post some pictures soon, once I've started. I'm gauging it currently, so that make take a few days.

I've been listening to Silverstein while doing school today. Andrew from work reccommended them. We got on the subject of Canadian musicians and he said that his favorite band hailed from there, Silverstein. I had heard of them but never actually listened to them. They're very good. I wasn't aware that they were Canadian. Oh, the things you learn when you talk to your favorite person at work.

I've been reading Dan Brown's new book, Inferno, the last few days. I'm such a fan of his. When I first starting reading books other than what I found in the young adults section, his Robert Langdon books were some of the first I read. I love looking for symbols in things ever since I was a kid, so I just fell in love with everything he wrote.

I'm hoping to finish school here real soon, then I need to clean my room, do some laundry, and then hopefully curl up in my chair and read and knit till I have to get ready for work.

My dad, My sister, and Texas

So, it's really looking like he might be doing the Texas thing. But apparently he and my older sister were talking about it and she got really mad and started crying and shit. Moment of honesty, do you want to know why I think she's so upset about it? Of course you do, you're reading my blog. I know Ariel well enough to know that she's really self-obsessed and she hates to be inconvenienced in any way. That's what it boils down to, she doesn't want anything to change because she hates change. I don't mean this to be whiny or rude, but my dad has always been a lot more involved in Ariel's life more than he has been in mine or Alana's, so she and I are far less affected by this than Ariel is. She doesn't want him to leave because she depends on him when she needs anything like her car's acting up or any little thing. Maybe she can start getting off her ass and actually doing shit rather than having dad or us do it all the time, hmm? Anyway, he's supposed to be making a decision, well, yesterday I think but he probably hasn't yet. I should know soon though, but I'm pretty confident he's choosing Texas.

My dad might be leaving the state for five months, and I'm not really bothered.

See, my dad and I have never been really close anyway. I've always felt like he likes my older sister and my baby brother more than he likes my younger sister and I. I've seen him go out of his way to help my older sister time and time again and I feel like he can hardly ever be bothered to help me with anything. Plus, ever since I can remember, he would say he'd do something then never do it or not do it till weeks or even months later, so I find it really hard to trust him and it leads to a bit of a strained relationship. But yeah, a construction company he works for really wants to ship him out. He'd probably be able to come home for two days a month, so it's not like I wouldn't see him at all. I think it would be good. Last year he would be out of town for three, four days at a time and it seemed like everything would go so much smoother for us as a family. Because when dad's around, he says to do something and everyone scrambles to do it, weather you want to or not. So it's nice to just be more chill in general.

I should probably definitely be asleep right now.

Seriously, I have to get up at six. So, I went back to the retina specialists, for the thing with my eye. They said they saw some improvement and they were happy with it so far. Then they put twenty different drops in my eyes, moved me to six different rooms, and gave me a shot in my eye.

I do this annoying thing on Facebook where I post like a bunch. Like, a BUNCH. It only happenes every once in a while, but it's like twenty posts in the space of half an hour. Anyway, I did it tonight, and I had like three people be like 'go to Twitter'. Yes fuck you very much, I'll post what I want, when I want. I literally told them all "Yeah, block buttons work for you too. Go for it." I am so past caring if I insult anyone. I used to be really careful because I had religious people on there from my parents church and I was so worried about someone seeing something and getting offended, but I'm really really over that. Ugh, some people just piss me off.

I'm starting to read Dan Brown's new book 'Inferno' tonight. Literally, I'm two pages in and it's sitting open on my lap right now. When I began to read adult books, meaning not books found in the YA section, the first ones I read were Dan Brown's books. Damn can he write.

I'm going to bed, I have to get up in like five hours. Ok