Separation Anxiety

So I got to spend the weekend with Kenny. His friend was out of town and he was house-sitting, so I stayed over with him. It was absolutely wonderful, getting to fall asleep next to my favorite person on the planet and just getting to be with him all day. But now I'm back home, sitting in my living room, working on homework, and absolutely dreading going to bed tonight.

It started years ago. my best friend at the time, Emily, lived an hour away, so I would go up there for a weekend and stay there for two nights. Then when I would come back home on Sunday nights, I would get absolutely terrified of going to bed for a couple nights. The abrupt shift from sleeping in the same room with someone to being all alone really fucks with my anxiety.

So now, not only am I going to bed alone tonight, but the person I'm missing is also the person I want to fall asleep beside every night for the rest of my life. So tonight's gonna be fun.

My plan is to do homework and watch Netflix until my eyes burn, then try to fall asleep quickly. It also doesn't help that I'm not taking my antidepressants at the moment, so I need to get back on those.

Ok, But Consider This

Having social anxiety is really a shitty thing to have to deal with. I'm kind of a bitter and petty person, but I wouldn't wish social anxiety on even my worst enemy. It's not wanting to get out of bed because you'll have to deal with people. It's biting your cheek until it bleeds because you're so nervous. It's hating yourself because you knew the answer that the teacher wanted to hear, but you were too scared to raise your hand. It's getting into your car and breaking down into tears after a social event because you're so worn out. It's feeling like you're going to vomit every time you walk into a meeting. It's thinking that people are talking about you whenever anyone near you whispers or laughs. It's feeling lonely because you have no friends but hating yourself because it's your own fault that you're so shy.

Work makes me really tense.

Seriously, we were swamped today. I have social anxiety, so being around a lot of people can really stress me out and scare me at times. I was doing great today, even though it was the busiest we've been in weeks, I was totally okay. Then I got trapped behind the register for an hour. Usually I 'll do it for a while then pass it off because I can't handle it, but there was no one else. Andrew finally came up later and got on the other register. We close at 6, but we had people in line until 6:20, it was awful. I was shaking and my breathing was really erratic by the time everyone was gone. See, I think Andrew might have an idea what I go through. We've talked about anxiety and such before. I appreciate him so much, I feel like I can trust him, he knows more about my issues than anyone else there. So when we were done he was like, 'You ok? Doing good? Ok, you're awesome, remember that.' and I just really appreciate him and he has great taste in music and I get so upset when I remember that he's married dammit. But I still appreciate him for being an amazing and supportive person who's willing to deal with all the weird shit I tell him.

But there was a special sale for employee's and stuff today (I love working at Penneys) so I scored some work clothes and they're awesome.

You know what? I haven't knitted much lately. I've been really busy. I've been behind in my school work so I've been doing double trying to catch up, I worked five days last week, I've been trying to schedule senior pics, I'm trying to coordinate some stuff going on in the next few months. It's been busy. I did a bit last night but I was so tired I crashed.

This week should be better. I'm like two lessons away form being caught up with school, so cool. I really need to do my laundry tomorrow though, so I may do that during school. And I only work four days this week. I do work tomorrow night though, but then I have two days off, yay!