I might be back, I may be leaving again.

So, here's the skinny. Mom found my blog. I know, it doesn't sound like a big deal, but the only reason I had a blog was so that I could say things that I couldn't say to her or to my sisters. I needed a place where I could talk without being judged. Anyway, she found a post where I was whining about her and she got really angry. In retrospect, it wasn't a big deal, but I was angry at the time and I blogged about it and it was there and I got my feelings out without hurting her and I think that's an okay thing to do. So I got rid of the bog for a few days. I don't know if, even now, I want to keep it. I don't know if she's going to be reading it or not and if she is I can't say anything without putting everything through a filter, because the only reason I was able to speak so freely here was because people reading this may know what's happening to me, but they don't know ME. Does that make any sense? Plus, even if no one reads this, it was a great outlet, so I just don't know right now.

Other news. Uh. Um. Well. There's really nothing. It's been boring. I got a graduation dress, and earrings to match. It;s gorgeous and I can't wait to wear it. I'm ready to graduate but I don't think I'm ready to go to college. Like, do I really want to teach? What if I'm too stupid and I fail everything? What if I don't make any friends and I remain a weird friendless dork? Like, these are legitimate concerns, man.

Anyway, yeah. So, if I do keep posting, it might just be things that don't matter, in case mom is reading. I just really don't know right now.

I fucking swear to god.

In the words of Outkast: Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright. And here's what I'm talking about: my damn internet. It sucks it really hard. So my mom got home from work this morning and instead of calling the service provider because of the issues we'd been having for a few weeks now, she went to sleep because she was, and I quote, "Too tired to put up with them for twenty minutes." Fine, well, that's all well and good but how the hell am I supposed to get schoolwork done if I have no internet? It literally makes zero sense. It's a HOMESCHOOL PROGRAM, so the fact that I'm constantly having to go elsewhere lately almost everyday just kind of pisses me off. I know it's a minor thing, but it feels like a big deal to me because she's been saying she's going to call for a few days now and she hasn't yet. My parents are one of the huge reasons I have trust issues. They never come through on anything they say and it makes me sure that everyone is going to fail me so I never trust anyone with anything big.

I kind of hate myself sometimes. All the times. I don't know. I was having an alright night at work and I have no idea what happened but I just started crying and I couldn't stop. I was actually in the corner like crying and I was trying to stop but I couldn't and I don't know why. It sucks, and that's why I hate myself.

A Nice, Thorough Bio

Full Name: Ashley Taylor Meihls
Age: 18
Sign: Libra
About Me: Well, for starters, I'm a self-proclaimed nerd. I'm really into a whole bunch of tv shows, including Doctor Who, Sherlock, Supernatural, Merlin, Scrubs, Whose Line is it Anyway?. A lot. I also watch a lot of movie and read a whole lot. Harry Potter, Charlie Bone, Lord of the Rings, Sherlock Holmes. Again, a lot. Music, I love music. Almost anything. Pop, rock, alternative, indie, metal, techno. Some favorite bands/artists, off the top of my head, are Panic! at the Disco, AC/DC, Fall Out Boy, Fun., Imagine Dragons, and The Beatles.

I'm a high school senior. I'm planning on going to college. At this point, I'm looking at OSU, because I want to be a teacher and they have a really great program. But, I still need to get financial aid set up and apply and take my ACTs. I'm a mess. But I have a reason for the mess that is me.

See, the thing with me is, ever since I was about twelve, I've coped with depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm. It's not something that many people know about. My mom found out through a friend whom I no longer speak to, and aside from that, it's just you guys. I'm in a good place right now, but I do have my relapses. I try to stay positive, but my self confidence has always and will always at absolute zero, so positive isn't really my strong suit. I'm also pessimistic, and that doesn't help. Oh well.

When it comes to religion, I call myself an agnostic who tends towards atheism. I was raised in a very strict 'Christian' home, and I was expected to be a perfect girl through my whole life. But, as I grew up, I found it harder and harder to deal with the hypocrisy and close-mindedness that I saw everywhere in the church, so I sat my parents down and explained that I was no longer a Christian. My mother, however, is very devout, so I do occasionally still attend the church, because it puts her mind at ease and, let's be honest, you pick and choose you battles and five hours out of my Sunday morning isn't worth a huge fight. I pride myself on being open-minded and accepting, but I'll just as quickly speak up if I hear bullshit.

One thing to know about me: If you have an opinion that differs from mine, I'll do one of two things. If I just nod and am kind of like 'yeah, well, ok' then I probably don't feel comfortable around you and/or I don't like you. If I'm like 'Yeah, good point, but I believe...ect.' then it means that I feel comfortable enough around you that I can be honest and I know you won't judge me or hate me for having differing views.

Really, that's about all. I'm a pretty small, insignificant person, so, whatever