I haven't done any school in, like, two weeks.

But that's fine. See, the homeschool program I do is kind of a last chance school for a lot of kids that go there, so the grading curve is insane. Ok, so they track your progress in percentages and you're supposed to do a certain percentage of your classwork every week, but anything over 80% is extra credit. Follow? So basically, if I get to eighty, I can do nothing the rest of the year and still pass with 90s in all my classes. So yeah, I haven't done any schoolwork hardly the last few days.

A deacon at my former church passed away this morning. He'd been a deacon since I was eight or so, like ten years. He'd been having health issues lately. so he stepped down. Then the doctors told him he had really advanced cancer and there was nothing they could do for him. But here's the thing that angers me. While he was alive my mom and her whole church was all like 'God will raise up his servant' 'The Great Physician can heal him' And now that he's dead, all I'm hearing is 'It was his time' 'God has called home his servant'. Like, you can't take life so passively. If he had lived, they would have called it god's plan, but he died so obviously that was god's plan. Like, they just accept whatever and it pisses me off that someone can be so passive about their life.

I knew him well, though.And his grandson is my sister's boyfriend, so we're pretty close to the family. I mean, anytime someone who's been a constant figure in your life, even if only on the peripheral, passes away, it's hard. I kept crying at work and I tried to hold it in and at one point Andrew asked me what was wrong and I was crying and trying to explain it to him and he was like 'Do you need a hug? You need a hug, c'mere' And it was really sweet. And Ashley just kept asking me all night if I was ok because I told her about it when I got there and I was bawling and she hugged me and was like 'Anything you need tonight, tell me. If you need to go sit down somewhere for a while, just go do it" And I just really appreciate the people I work with. But yeah, work was rough. I did get Saturday off to go to his funeral, though, so there's that.

I have this necklace that's a bird in a cage and I work it tonight, thinking nothing about it. Then Andrew asked me later if there was any meaning behind it. I just kind of hem-hawed my way out of it, but it got me thinking. Now this is going to sound depressing and melodramatic, but I'm depressed and melodramatic, so whatever. In a way, it's like I am the caged bird. Even though I live a different life than my family, I still have theie expectations, and people's view of me, and society's view of me, and my view of myself. and on top of that I have my fears and my insecurities and my anxieties and the fact that most of the time I want to slit my wrists and hang myself. And all that cages me in and I'm scared to actually live my life, because I'm too scared. I fear falling, so I never try to fly. Like I said, melodramatic and depressing, but maybe with a hint of truth?

But I'm tired and it's been a physically and emotionally exhausting day, so I'm going to bed.

Beyonce is Overrated and, Even Though She Tries, Her Music, With Particular Regards to 'Run The World', Send a Harmful Message - An Editorial by Me

First of all, I am not slamming Beyonce, her music, or her fans. This is simply my opinion of her as a celebrity personality and the affect her music is having on us.

Let's first look at Beyonce herself. I'm sure she's a perfectly nice woman, but as a celebrity I think she garners too much attention. I mean, really, she's not that special. She sings, as do 200+ other women. Other than that, she's nothing special. I cannot think of anything that sets her apart from the multitude of female vocal artists.

But, that's the secondary opinion. What I'd really like to talk about is her song "Run The World (Girls)" and its accompanying music video. When it first came out, I heard everyone talking about it and about how great it was, how much they liked the music video, how much it empowered females. I, by some miracle, got through the public's obsession with it never having hearing the song or seeing the video. I finally did watch the music video a few months ago, and didn't really have an opinion one way or another, save that it was overrated as I had previously assumed. I watched the video again not twenty minutes ago and this time, I did have an opinion. Those of you that know me know that I am a feminist. I believe that society should stop holding women to such obscene physical, intellectual, and emotional standards and that women should be treated as men's equals, not their inferiors or superiors. I'm a feminist because I believe that men and women should be equal, not because I believe that women are better than men and it angers me when I see a feminist purporting such ridiculous ideals. That being said, I cannot, in good conscious, condone the song or the music video "Run The World", for a few reasons. One is I believe it grossly oversexualises women and that's not something I'm ok with. We need to stop seeing women as sexual objects and start seeing them and people first and foremost. Beyonce dancing lewledy with a gaggle of women dressed in lingerie is not helping. Second, if you listen to the song, and I mean really listen, she's singing about how women run the world by using their sexual prowess to get what they want. Because, you know, that sends a message of female empowerment. I think that women should be able to use their intellect to achieve their goals, but society, aided by such songs as this, have reduced women to nothing more than a walking sex toy and some women now believe that using that society-assigned role to get what they want is good. You are not being independent when you do that, you are promoting society's view of you as a piece of sex with legs!

But, this is just my opinion and maybe someone views the song in a totally different way, and that's ok.

Cedar Point this weekend!

So yeah, a girl from my sister's church is a student at OSU so they can get cheaper tickets and OSU day is the day before the park opens to the public, so it's gonna be me, my sister, her friend from church Melody, Phillip, and Abby, and Abby's brother Kyle. Kyle's in the same situation as me in that he left the same religion and his family is still in it and it's rough on him sometimes. But I just adore him, he's so funny and so great to talk to. It should be a ton of fun, I love Cedar Point so much. Rollercoasters are like hell yeah. But hey, if anyone's gonna be there, let me know. Meetup!

And I've started planning my grad party. On my part, I need to get pictures and invites printed, I need to get a playlist together, and I need to get my display board together. Mom's heading the food and decoration committee. Should be a lot of fun. I need to figure out how to do the playlist. Like, burn a cd? Or take my laptop and just play it off that? If anyone has a suggestion, please let me know!

Anywho, I think that's it. I have Wednesday and Thursday off, so I'll probably try to start some graduation prep, then Cedar Point Friday! I forgot to ask for that day off, and it seemed like everyone either worked or had something going on, but thankfully Mazen offered to take it, so I totally owe him.

Minor News and Major News

Minor: So this morning, we were having internet issues *cue gasps of surprise*. So, my mom calls the company and during the phone call, she uses my computer to see if it's working. Once she was done with it, I checked to see what she had been doing and surprise, surprise, she was looking around on it and she found my blog. She's very possibly reading this now, hi mom! So, I may just delete this soon. I literally started this blog so I would have a place to talk and vent that no one in my family, especially you, mom, knew about. Well, ok. I was speaking to her about it and I said, "Maybe this is why I don't tell you anything, because you'll just snoop around and find out anyway." Because that's painfully true and it really needed to be said. Alright, so there's that.

Major: I did it, I dyed my hair. It's dark dark brown, almost black. Exactly what I was going for. Give me some time to get the pictures from my phone to my laptop and I'll try to throw some together and post something. Tonight probably, hopefully. I actually need to go to Meijer after work and get some shampoo for color-treated hair. I haven't washed it since I did it, which was last night at like 10:30. It still feels a bit tacky, but it'll be fine for tonight. Ok, so work here in a few hours, then shampoo, then pictures. Alright, later.

And one more thing. Avenge Sevenfold, I love them so much.

EDIT: This should have been posted a few days ago, but I just found it in my drafts, so it's a bit late getting out there. It should be before my last two posts.

Baby, Changes, and Outdoors

So, baby. My friend Vanessa from work is having a little boy, so after work tomorrow we're all going to Banditos to have a little party. I went to Babies-R-Us and got her registry. I swear, that store is so confusing and the isles are so small and shit it so hard to find. I was looking for stuff for probably the better part of an hour.

Changes. I did change the title and url of my blog. Maybe it'll protect my blog from mom's scrying eyes, maybe not. We'll see.

Outdoors. HOOOOOOOLY SHEET IT IS SO GORGEOUS OUT TODAY I'M AT THE PARK WITH MY YOUNGER BROTHER AND SISTER I MEAN I DON'T EVEN LIKE OUTSIDE AND IT IS SO AWESOME OUT TODAY. Also, I didn't have to work today, so I've been taking advantage of that.

One more thing. So Andrew told me about this thing at Gilbert's Music tonight. It's like a little local band thing, some sort of anti-prom he told me. I kind of want to go, but what if I hate it. I'll be all alone, which sucks. I mean, I could take Alana, but mom probably wouldn't let me. Maybe I'll go to the movies instead. But, there's nothing I really want to see right now. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 came out yesterday, but I don't know if I like that enough to go see it. Transcendance looks awesome, but the reviews kind of tanked. Same for The Quiet Ones. I just don't know. I really want to go to the music thing, but I'm scared. Why do I have to have social anxiety, it's sucks so hard.

I think that's mostly it, yeah. So, talk to you later, probably.

I might be back, I may be leaving again.

So, here's the skinny. Mom found my blog. I know, it doesn't sound like a big deal, but the only reason I had a blog was so that I could say things that I couldn't say to her or to my sisters. I needed a place where I could talk without being judged. Anyway, she found a post where I was whining about her and she got really angry. In retrospect, it wasn't a big deal, but I was angry at the time and I blogged about it and it was there and I got my feelings out without hurting her and I think that's an okay thing to do. So I got rid of the bog for a few days. I don't know if, even now, I want to keep it. I don't know if she's going to be reading it or not and if she is I can't say anything without putting everything through a filter, because the only reason I was able to speak so freely here was because people reading this may know what's happening to me, but they don't know ME. Does that make any sense? Plus, even if no one reads this, it was a great outlet, so I just don't know right now.

Other news. Uh. Um. Well. There's really nothing. It's been boring. I got a graduation dress, and earrings to match. It;s gorgeous and I can't wait to wear it. I'm ready to graduate but I don't think I'm ready to go to college. Like, do I really want to teach? What if I'm too stupid and I fail everything? What if I don't make any friends and I remain a weird friendless dork? Like, these are legitimate concerns, man.

Anyway, yeah. So, if I do keep posting, it might just be things that don't matter, in case mom is reading. I just really don't know right now.