Late Night Thoughts

Let's talk about the phrase "No one's gonna love you until you love yourself". Specifically, I wanna talk about why it's total bullshit. Basically, it's saying that until we're happy with ourselves, we're not going to find people to care about us. So, since I have body issues, I can't expect to have people in my life that love me? Until I get to a place where I can genuinely say I love myself, I'm never going to find people to love me? No. Fuck no.

You want to know something? The guy I've been with for the last ten months has loved me more than I ever thought I deserved. He's loved me at times when I absolutely despised myself. During those times, he never stopped telling me that he loved me and that I was cared for. He's helped me to find some things about myself that I like, and maybe even love.

Don't ever let someone tell you that you don't deserve someone's love just because you have issues with yourself. Sometimes, it's those people who are going to help you find some things to like about yourself in those times when you're disgusted just by being you. Let people in, let them help you learn to love yourself. Don't cut yourself off just because you don't think you deserve love. Because you do. You so fucking do.

LIES!!

Lies as in the show "Lie to Me". I may have talked about it already, but I don't think so. Long story short, Kenny and I went and saw "The Hateful 8", the new Tarantino movie. There was a British guy, so I looked at Kenny and said, "That British guy is really fucking hot. Which probably means he's a bad guy." Because I have this weird gift where I always subconsciously find the bad guy in films and I think he or she is sexy as fuck.

So, hot British guy. You follow?

Kenny later told me that that guy was Tim Roth and he played the lead in a show called "Lie to Me". So, naturally, I started binge watching it on Netflix. I've gotten through the first season already.

I was watching it and texting Kenny last night and he asked me how far into it I was. So, I looked. I told him that I had just started season two. And then I also found out that this show only had three season. So I texted him. The conversation looked something like this:

Me: OH MY GOD THERE'S ONLY THREE SEASONS
Kenny: Yeah, I should have warned you about that.
Me: OH MY GOD YOU KNEW?!?!?!
Kenny: I forgot!
Me: I cannot

I was lowkey distraught. I'm so bummed about it, the show is fucking incredible. You should watch it if you haven't already.

So yeah, that was my night last night.

It's week 3 for Christssake!!!

So, tomorrow in my history class, I have to turn in my research proposal topic for my semester project. I need to give my professor my broad topic and a specific question that my research is going  to answer. My topic is witches, for my question, I want to answer why women were more often considered witches and what it meant when a man was considered a witch.

But here's the thing. It's literally the third week of classes. I'm still trying to get the feel of what this semester is going to be like. God above, I can't be thinking about huge research projects yet!

Though, I really love this class and I think I will like the project, but it's going to be a lot of work. Last semester, I also had a research project, but I was lazy, so I didn't work hard on it and I ended up with a half assed project. So this semester, I'm going to start early and actually do this shit right this time.

An Interesting Obsevation On The Paenting Skills of Lucius Malfoy

So, in my Potter class today, Ashlyn brought up a super interesting point.

We were discussing the scene in CoS where Draco called Hermione a Mudblood. The class was talking about how it's a racial slur and how that's a big theme in the whole book. Okay, actually I have two things to talk about.

First. There was a guy in the classroom who was like, "Well, Hermione was touching a nerve and he just lashed out the only way he knew how.". Like okay, he lashed out. But he lashed out with a fucking racial slur That is not okay. No matter what someone says to 'hit a nerve' you can't throw a racial slur at someone. And I'm sick of people trying to excuse Draco so that they can justify liking him as a character. Like, I like the character of Draco Malfoy, but he's kinda a douche and calling Hermione a mudblood is really fucking shitty.

Also, Ashlyn brought up the fact that these kids are 12 fucking years old at this point. This kid is throwing sound racial slurs at 12. That's fucking ridiculous! What kind of fucking father is Lucius that Draco had learned these insult's before he's even hit puberty! When reading these books, I tend to forget just how young these characters are at the start of the series, and it makes it kind of worse.

So, that's my Harry Potter commentary for today.

When Angry Girlfriends Attack

Ok, I didn't attack. And I wasn't angry, per se.

Here's the lowdown. Kenny and  I were sitting in my car after work last night talking. Somehow, we got on the subject of Harry Potter. While we were talking, I realized that the battle of Hogwarts was almost twenty years in the past. He didn't understand that I was talking about the narrative timeline and he got confused because "that book only came out ten years ago". So I agreed and told him that we knew what year it was placed in in the book universe because we knew Harry's birth year. He said that we couldn't know it "for sure". so, I explained to him how Harry's birth year can be found because of the Deathday party that Nearly-Headless Nick has. If you're not familiar with that scene in the books,check out this and this.

Basically, the book tells us that it's Nick's 200-whatever deathday. I can't remember what the number is. But, Nick also mentions that he was killed in a certain year. So, add the two together and you get the current year (1992). We know that Harry is currently 12, so subtract and you get his birth year (1980). Also, Jo confirmed this.

So, I explained this to him and I got really animated because I love telling people about this Easter egg. I also ended the explanation with, "And that's what the fuck is up!". When I was done, he just kind of looked at me. Then he said, "But they're just books. Sometimes I think you need to be more grounded in reality."

I more or less kicked him out of my car two minutes after that.

Here's the thing. I wasn't mad, I was upset and hurt and kind of offended. Here's the thing, "They're just books" is the same thing that I've been hearing my whole life, and I never thought that Kenny would throw that in my face. I know I'm very intense when it comes to Harry Potter and I know that I can seem like I'm too obsessed with it, but genuinely I'm not.

Harry Potter has literally been something I've grown up with. Since first grade, I've been reading about and watching these characters. Personally, I'm proud of my extensive knowledge about it. I feel like it's something that is very much my own, no one else I know is into it at this level. It's something that I excel at and I never feel like I'm good enough at anything, so I kind of cling to this one facet of my life that I'm good at.

But that doesn't mean that I'm not grounded in reality. When he told me I needed to get more down to earth is the point where I did actually get kind of mad. I get up at 6 am everyday, work my ass off in all my classes, work my ass off at my job, work my ass off at home. and he say's I'm not grounded enough. And as someone who has to deal with anxiety and depression like I do, I need to be really connected to the world around me, because if I get too in my head, I start getting low.

The thing is, he knows what I deal with and he knows how hard I work in every single thing I do and he still felt it necessary to say those things to me. The worst part is, he sounded just like my mom, because she's said those exact words to me about Harry Potter.

The only other time Kenny ever sounded like my mom was after my haircut a few months ago. He told me it looked butch, which is the same adjective my mom uses when she's insulting me. And it really got to me when Kenny said that. It got to me so much that I genuinely really dislike my hair and I'm really insecure about it now. And I used to love it and think it was one of my best features. I know he didn't mean to hurt me and he's apologized and I totally forgive him, but I still have this massive insecurity about it that stems from what he told me.

And now he's sounding like my mom again and I'm terrified. I'm terrified that he just thinks that I'm some immature kid who doesn't know how the real world works. I'm terrified that he's starting to get sick of me. More than anything, though, I'm terrified that every time I start to talk about Harry Potter or read it or watch it, that I'll remember what he said and I'll start to push it away and develop an aversion to it in the same way that I began to hate my hair. I know that wasn't his intention, and that's why I'm not mad, but the fact is that every time the subject of Harry Potter comes up between us, I'm going to change the subject as fast as possible because I don't want to annoy him.

I'm still actually really upset about all this. I'm trying not to let it affect me, but I feel like it is. Right after it happened last night, I actually had some reading I had to do for the Potter class and I almost couldn't bring myself to do it because I just felt sick looking at it. I know I'm probably being over dramatic and taking this too far, I get that. But I already have this really deep fear that everyone, even Kenny, finds me annoying and hearing him say things like that seems to only confirm my suspicions and it scares the shit out of me.

So, that was my Monday night.

How to Tutor When You're Going Blind

Actually a genuine concern for me right now. I have an eye condition where, basically, I have blood vessels behind my eyes that press on my retinas and make everything look distorted. It used to just be my left eye but it's starting to happen in my right eye. Reading has become really difficult, which sucks, because I have to do a ton of reading. But, I have an appointment next Wednesday, so I'll get shots in my eyes and it'll get better.

So yeah, reading has become genuinely difficult, but I refuse to let this stop me in any way. I want this degree too much to quit. I don't care how hard I have to try, I'll do all the damn reading I have to.

Anyways. So, as you know, I have a job tutoring as OSU Lima, where I go to school. There are some students that are required to come in for tutoring twice a week. When they do, we, the tutors, fill out a report so that the teachers and administration know that the students are coming in and meeting the requirements to pass the course. They need 22 appointments, so there's a tally by each students name in the database. It's the first week of the semester and I was putting in a report for one of my students. I noticed that they had two appointments already and I felt proud. Proud that my student already had more appointments than anyone else's. That made me realize two things. 1) I like knowing that I'm helping someone achieve their goals. Because even though some of these kids don't really want to be here, I'm helping them pass their class and improve their writing skills. I also realized that 2) I'm a cocky bastard and I love knowing that I'm 'beating' the other tutors.

But, I have homework and another student should be showing up for their appointment soon.

Duces

Spring Semester

Spring semester and it's a fucking 9 degrees out. I protest!

But, all joking aside, today's the first day of classes, and I'm actually really excited. Aside from Stats, I'm really excited for all of my classes. I'm taking a Criminology, Thematic Elements in Harry Potter, Poetry I, Rebellious Women in 19th Century Literature, and Women in Modern European History. So, a bunch of bomb ass classes. I just hate Math and I'm terrible at it, so Stats is the one class I'm taking that I'm not really stoked about,

I also have a job tutoring on campus. I'm an English tutor, so I sit around and help people who need more support when they write papers. It's awesome because if I have no appointments and there are no walk-ins, then I get paid to sit around, do homework, and talk to the other tutors, all of whom are extremely cool. So yeah, it's not a bad job and it's going to look awesome on a resume someday.

I'm actually tutoring now. Well, I'm on the clock. I have no appointments, so I'm just blogging. Though, I do have class in 15 minutes, so I'm out.